Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: heart

NHS staff still recovering from Prince Philip’s heart surgery

StablePrince Philip

Hospital staff at Papworth Hospital in Cambridgeshire are said to be “Recovering well,” ever since performing heart surgery on Prince Philip a week ago. The 90-year old Prince initially terrified staff when he insisted that “I want the same bed that the fat bitch from the Princess and the Pea had,” but calmed down after “someone retold him his favourite racist joke.” Soon after being introduced to the surgeon he voiced his displeasure at “being treated by the sort of soppy bastard that wears slippers to work.”

Ambulance crews drew lots to decide who would be transporting the Prince to the hospital with free counselling being offered to those who required it. Paramedics had been briefed to “Remove any jewellery and personal items that may have originated from China, India, Russia, Iran, Japan, Africa, Argentina, or Germany, so as not to upset the Prince during the journey.”

Sorted

There was a brief respite from the Prince’s barbed words once he was put under anaesthetic, but upon later waking up it wasn’t long before he was demanding that “One of you stupid bastards must have some gin or at least a few drops of port on you.” When an orderly asked if he needed another pillow the Prince replied with “Who let this spikey haired twat in my room?”

Although the Prince is now back at Buckingham Palace, he is being kept under strict observation. This has been met with indignant retorts such as “Are you going to stand there whilst I have a shit?” and “even without my glasses I can see you’re an ugly bugger””

Usually an active person, the Prince is often complaining about how he has nothing to do. “Christ, I’m bored… I fancy shooting something. Quick, someone call Fergie.”

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