Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: hair

Hulk Hogan reviews a tin of Heinz baked beans

HulkHoganAs some of ya’ll already know, I’ve been struggling to make ends meet since I retired from the ring as no-one’s willing to sponsor me no more. Turns out that demand for a large fella who can suffocate small children in between his thighs is dwindling; I’ve had rejection letters from just about everyone, including Nike, Adidas, and even them people who make that Vaseline stuff. That last one hurt real bad seeing as how much of it I’ve used over the years.

Things are so bad that I’ve had to resort to buying tinned foods just to keep my energy levels up, which brings me onto today’s breakfast – baked beans.

Now I’ve never been much of a reader but the instructions on how to open this gosh-darn tin are mighty hard to read, so mayhaps one of y’all can gimme a hand? Oh, silly me, I had it all upside down! And now looky, there’s one of them ringy pull things staring right up at me. Why’d they have to hide it away like that, folks get all confused with such trickery.

Okay, now that the lid’s off I can see some little cocoon things swimming around in some kind of red goo. Now, I guess that thems are the beans but they’re far too small for me to get hold of so I’ll have to use a cocktail stick to jab ’em before they start hatching. Hmmm, they taste kinda squishy; kinda nice; but also kinda cold and, if I’m honest, I prefer a hot breakfast to a cold one.  Let me just pour them into my pants for a minute, there’s plenty of warm down there.

Gosh darn it, the goo is starting to seep through the spandex!  Gimme a sec while I scoop it all back out and finish it off in one go.  Okay, well, this time it was much warmer but there were several crunchy little hairs mixed up with the sauce. I’m not sure where they came from but it was like eating raw spaghetti… and boy, do I like my spaghetti!

Well, it has to be said, these baked beans ain’t half bad. I think I might give the barbecue frankfurters a try next week.

Freddie Mercury’s ‘I want to break free’ bra sold at charity auction

freddie_mercury1Fortunes

The bra that Freddie Mercury, lead singer of rock band Queen, wore in the video of the song ‘I want to break free’ has sold for a staggering £1.5 million at a charity auction in Oxfordshire. The bra is “Just an ordinary garment, none of that Wonderbra nonsense,” and “isn’t as yellowed or stained as much as you would expect such an old item of underwear to be.” The bidding was slow and cautious at first, but once the momentum started building, “There was no stopping it.” In true Queen fashion the atmosphere was “Merry and gay,” though “Brian May was a miserable bastard as usual,” and once the bidding finished he “Stormed out in a huff.”

Curator John Mouse told us, “Brian was really pissed off because an earlier auction for his hair net only sold for about £8k. The cheap git was bidding in 50p increments for a while but once the price got past £10k he just sat there in a huff and sulked until the bra was sold. Then he ran out and nearly knocked over a table of Smarties and hairspray that he asked to be setup for him.”

Jealousy

Since the breakup of Queen in 1991, May has struggled to establish himself as a solo artist and his debut single ‘Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow’ was a complete flop. His solo album, ‘Life without an Alice band’ was hotly anticipated but critics slated it on release and it barely made an impact anywhere. It was a moderate hit in Germany where it got to the number two spot, outsold only by a David Hasslehoff greatest hits re-release.

May then made a move into film and was the stunt double for Rapunzel in the film Rapunzel: The Revenge. May broke his collar bone when he fell out of the tower during the famous ‘Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair’ scene and Dolph Lundgren was brought in as a replacement.

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