Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: gwyneth paltrow

Rich Americans brace themselves for Ricky Gervais onslaught


Controversial funny man Ricky Gervais has been given the green light to host the upcoming Golden Globes awards. Described in the past as “a ceremony of pompous shite,” the awards have experienced “a breath of fresh air,” ever since Gervais first hosted them two years ago. Most actors these days have “Spent too long eating their peeled grapes,” and Gervais is ready to “Kick them in the shins for a couple of hours.”

The star first got into comedy at the age of five by hiding his grandmother’s walking stick and refusing to give it back until she “Promised to release Hansel and Gretel.” Friends and family have often described him as “A right piss-taking little shit,” but that his “Infectious squealing laugh and loveable beard more than make up for it.”


Some stars are actively worried with Gwyneth Paltrow’s agent stating that the star will be “insuring her ego and tear ducts,” because she knows that “after thanking all her cats,” she will not be “in any state to handle Gervais asking if she’s wearing a wig.” Speaking about her award-winning crying performance whilst collecting a winning award at the Acadamy Awards in 1999, she said the emotional scars “Still haven’t healed yet,” and that despite plenty of scrubbing “The dried tears are still visible on the front of her pink dress.”

Gervais recalled a stand-out memory of his previous hosting of the Golden Globe awards stating that “Halfway through the night I noticed an old withered man sitting near the front.” Although the man was “Laughing along with everyone else,” he “just looked like some homeless guy who had managed to sneak in.”

“Turns out it was Robert de Niro.”

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