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Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Tag Archives: gps
01/14/2012Posted by on
Geoff Broccoli here and I am going to let you in on a little secret: fooling people is very easy and is the key to getting what you want. I first realised this when I came back from lunch rubbing my stomach and said “Mmmm, what a lovely apple.” People then started asking me what type of apple I had eaten yet here is the kicker: I hadn’t actually eaten any apples at all. I had fooled every single person with that little lie and it served as my wake up call. Eager to capitalise on my success, the next day I announced “Oooh, the price of Mars Bars these days is shocking,” to which everyone around me agreed. It had been a good three years since I’d last attempted to purchase a Mars Bar.
It wasn’t long until the whole town was under my spell and deeply woven among my web of lies. I told a bus driver I had been waiting for thirty minutes when I had in fact only just arrived at the bus stop; I received a free sachet of tartare sauce in a cafe despite that fact I hadn’t ordered any fish; I told the serving girl in the coffee shop that I wanted a receipt for my skinny latte and chocolate caramel slice so I could claim it on my corporate expenses account… and when I got outside I threw the slice away. I am diabetic and cannot eat sugary snacks. I was also unemployed at the time and so couldn’t claim it on expenses.
The gullibility of mankind is breath-taking in its naivety and this has even spread to the machines that we build for ourselves. Even the GPS in my car can be fooled by telling it I am going somewhere that I am not, although this particular piece of devilry resulted in me crashing into a wall so I haven’t bothered experimenting any further with it.
I went into the ladies changing room at my local gym and pretended to be a peeping tom taking photos of the women in the shower. The camera on my phone was broken so the police could only charge me with voyeurism rather than trespassing with intent; that’s six weeks in jail rather than eight months and I even qualified for legal aid – win-win all round.
I’ve even managed to fool you as my name isn’t Geoff.