Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: fish

The Pope reviews a lamb curry

popeHai, peeps!

Is Popes here and I have confess to make: I getting bored of Italy. Ever since I was child, I immerse in Italy cultures and Italy way of life. Was once source of pride to know that national sport for Italian men was to sleep with brother’s wife and spend all of monies on shampoo and hairsprays, but now I bored of same old same old every day and is time I experience new things from other places for once.

I start off by placing order for curry from nearby curry place. Man on other end of phone was hard to understand so I ask him his name in case I need to ring back.  He say his name is Trevor which no sound Indian to me so I think he telling me porking pies.  Anyway, food arrive 45 minutes later, deliver by skinny man on motorbike that make lots of noise but no go very fast. I was thinking of ask him if engine is about to fall off, but I end up slam door in his face as I no like his moustache. Already I have fun sample other ways of life.

Okay, so curry is packed into see-through plastic boxes which is very interest for people who like see inner workings of things. I remember I once had fish tank that was see-through, which very useful for watching little fishy swim to and fro. Unfortunate, I forgot feed fish and he suffer slow painful death like man condemned to die by crucifixion on top of hill.

There is two papadums in bag but I no sure what they for.  Maybe for frisbees in garden?  I pour curry out onto plate and it smell very nice.  Now come to taste it and HOLY SHITS IS SPICY AND HOT! Jeezy Chreezy Christ, how is possible to eat when it burn as if devil is crawling around and doing big smelly fart in my throat? Good job I have some communion wafers and holy waters ready for times like this.

Hmmm after few more mouthfuls, I get used to spicy taste – it seem that Italian culture of drink aftershave finally come in handy, no?

For some reason I feeling urge to get drunk on cheap lager and be sick all over someone’s shoes after finishing curry.  I think I save that for next week as don’t want to use up all excite at once.

‘Atkins diet doesn’t work’ says piranha

piranhaMundane

A red-bellied piranha has claimed that the Atkins diet is a “Whole load of old bobbins,” that he is now “utterly bored of.” The 7-inch fish was first introduced to the diet, “When I was but a small nipper, if you’ll excuse the pun,” and for a while “Had great fun with it.” Most people end up eating platefuls of bacon and burgers when on the diet, which he found “A bit boring and shite,” and much preferred his own method of “devouring entire animals in a matter of minutes.”

After a few years, however, he noticed that he was “Still the same size as everyone else,” despite making “A shed load of sacrifices and changes to my lifestyle.” The most frustrating thing was seeing everyone else “Just tucking into whatever fell in the river,” whereas he was constantly having to “Wait for the right buffalo or wild boar to come along.”

Future

Feeling upbeat about the future, he is “Looking forward to biting into a nice, greasy bit of crocodile arse.” Talking about the pressure his diet put on his social activities, the piranha won’t miss “The horrendous wind it gave me,” and will no longer be “asked to stand in the corner until the smell goes away.”

Currently” his number one priority is “Getting back into the dating scene,” and he believes that he is “Only a haircut and a splash of aftershave away,” from “Getting down and nibbly with a loose-finned femme fatale.”

“I plan on going to a bar, have maybe a glass of bucks fizz for a spot of the old Dutch courage and then I’m set. My friends, you ain’t seen nothing yet.”

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