Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: father christmas

Justin Bieber’s diary

Dear diaryjustin bieber

Christmas was quite stressful for me this year, as I wasn’t sure if Santa knew how much of a good boy I’ve been. Back in the summer, I accidentally fell on a snail whilst practicing the Moonwalk in the garden. I was so upset that I crieded three times afterwards, and helped mummy with the shopping all week afterwards. I even had a go at making my own sandwiches at lunch, but I cut my finger and got blood all over the kitchen floor. I only did one cry that time, and mummy even let me have one of my favourite dinosaur plasters to help make it all better.

On Christmas Eve I brushed my teeth twice, and then sung Kumbayah to my teddies before going sleep sleeps. Santa usually puts my stocking at the bottom of the bed, so when I woke up and it wasn’t there I did another cry until mummy came in and showed me that it had fallen on the floor during the night. We then went downstairs to open the big presents, and I was so excited that I put my dressing gown on inside out! As the presents were handed out, mummy let me have one of the chocolate decorations after I promised that I wouldn’t be sick like I was the year before when I tried to eat the mistletoe.

I think Father Christmas might need to get some new helpers, as one of my presents was a strange blue candle that made a buzzing noise as if there was a giant bee trapped inside it. I asked mummy why it was called a Rampant Rabbit, and her face went bright red like happens when she gets cross if I don’t tidy my room and she said that it must have been given to me by mistake.

My other presents were much nicer, and I got Bugs Bunny slippers, some crayons that smell like chewing gum, and a Harry Potter wand that breaks if you bend it too far.

Vladimir Putin reviews a glass of Coke

PutinHail, comrades! Today I take special delivery of Coca Cola, elixir of taste and fizz. Coke is symbol of Western propaganda, so it delivered in secure box and guarded by KGB agents who ride atop mighty steed of grizzly bear. If Coke manage to escape and run away, it might setup camp in woods and organise democracy rally march. For security I make sure all doors and windows closed, plugs in sink and bath stuffed with ear wax, and chimney blocked with carcass of starving horse. I also leave key in keyhole, so Coke not able to sneak look outside of room.

I unscrew lid of Coke and immediately I see it froth up and try to escape. I let fizz come out slow, so as to keep it in bottle cage. When pour in glass it take me by surprise and froth up much faster and this time it escape over rim of glass! I shout and call in guards so they stop it run away. They get hairdryers and shoot hot air at Coke so it dry up and no trickle across floor. I worry that if it get in ground then Coke plant sprout up and have lots of Father Christmases grow from branches. Father Christmas well known for emptying his sack in sock of children, much like Catholic priest.

Now come to taste Coke, but I worry that Coke is like virus and infect me to be host for something bad. I get guard to drink Coke and then I smell his burp to see if I like or not. Guard drink it but he no burp. I tell him drink more, but he still no burp. I have guard shot for being traitor and decide to drink Coke myself. It nice and tasty and make me do loud burp. I hear guard laughing at my burp so I set bear on him and then I kill bear by getting in headlock.

Next week, if I manage to get tin opener back from neighbour I review Heinz tomato soup.

North Pole elves claim that Santa is ‘worse than Hitler’

SantaConditions

Documents released by Wikileaks have revealed that all is not well up at the North Pole with Santa Claus being described as “A slave driver,” and a “Real arrogant son of a bitch,” by his employees. Although commonly regarded as the world’s greatest philanthropist, Santa Claus is “Typical of someone who managed to come up with only one good idea in their entire life,” and has been “Milking it for all it’s worth, ever since.”

Head elf Erika Layla said “Every year it’s the same with all of us working long shifts in the run up to Christmas. His popularity has really gone to his head and he’s been unbearable ever since people started leaving mince pies and wine out for him.” Depression and loneliness are rife in the Grotto, with “Everyone’s ears drooping by the end of the day,” and some of the workers even go so far as to “Wish we had all been born as dwarves instead.”

Perspective

Santa’s wife hit back at the accusations, stating that “his main priority is making sure the kids have a great Christmas,” and that “despite spending the entire night emptying his sacks all over the world, he still comes back home for a nice snuggle. As far as I’m concerned he can do what he wants.” She conceded that “Maybe he is a bit too fond of riding the reindeer late at night,” but then again “every man has his Achilles heel; his is just higher up. It don’t half make a bloody mess of his trousers though.”

Equally scandalous charges were made against the tooth fairy recently after it was revealed that improved dental hygiene has meant that demand for her services has waned in recent years. She was accused of trying to drum up extra business by “Crapping in people’s mouths as they slept,” so that they had “Really shitty breath in the morning.”

“There is no tooth to these allegations,” she claimed. “Someone is making a mountain out of a molar hill.”

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