Justin Bieber’s diary

Dear diary

The other morning I woke up and saw that it was sunny outside so I thought summer had arrived but then I did a sneeze which made me feel all cold so mummy told me to put a jumper on.  I went out into the garden to play on my big blue slide but there was a pigeon on it and I had to wait until he flew away.  I once heard daddy say that pigeons are like flying rats and I don’t like rats because I heard they eat children and live in the sewers with all the poo.  I hope there isn’t any poo on my slide because mummy would shout at me if my trousers got dirty and I sometimes do a cry when she shouts.

When it was time for lunch mummy asked me if I wanted the alphabet or the dinosaur spaghetti shapes and straight away I chose the dinosaurs.  I like dinosaurs because they are big and strong and can go to bed whenever they want to.  Afterwards I did a big windy-pop that smelled like pickled onions and lemonade.  Mummy asked if it was me who did it and I said that it was and then she asked if I was sorry and I said that I was and then she told me not to do it again so I didn’t.

I went outside on my bike and rode around in a circle really fast.  I started to get really dizzy and then I fell off and hurt my knee so mummy came out and kissed it better and put a plaster on it.  I went on my bike again but this time went round the other way and I got dizzy again and fell over and hurt my other knee.  Mummy came out and shouted at me and wouldn’t kiss it better but she put a plaster on it and said it will get better by itself.  I hope my unkissed knee does get better because if it fell off it would be really hard for the doctors to put it back on again.

If I was a dinosaur I would be a four-legged dinosaur because they can’t fall over and hurt their knees although I don’t think they can ride bikes either.

A chat with Mr Sellotape

John Sellotape here, head of the mighty Sellotape stationery empire. Interesting fact: did you know that last year 16 billion rolls of Sellotape were sold? That’s quite impressive, yes? But hold on, this got me thinking… how much of that Sellotape sold was used to package up other boxes of Sellotape ready to be sent out to shops and newsagents all over the globe? So then I got thinking some more and started wondering what was used to seal up boxes before Sellotape was invented… I could come up with only one answer: spaghetti.

It’s true, it has to be! Think about it – spaghetti is Italian and several thousand years ago the Romans ruled the earth. Them Romans was Italian so it makes perfect sense from a historical perspective. They must have had a huge cauldron that they cooked all the spag’ up in and then used it to tie up their sandals. Chances are that they used it to string their bows in an emergency as well. In fact, they probably even whipped their slaves and crucified Jesus Christ with the stuff. Say what you want about the Roms but they knew how to use their spag’ and it kind of makes you wonder where it all went wrong for them… and I reckon they got into the bad habit of overcooking it. Nothing worse than going round someone’s house for dinner and finding that they have overcooked the pasta, it totally ruins the night. Heaven only knows what effect it would have on an empire quite literally built on the stuff.

Although I talk about the Romans ruling the earth, this was long after the dinosaurs went extinct. Now I tell you them bally dinos where a strict lot what with all the sharp teeth and deadly claws flying about the place. I wonder how the tyrannosaurus rex would have used Sello or spag if either of them had existed back then – those arms of his are quite short and not really suited to finding the end of the tape. Plus, that big chin of his would get in the way and maybe even knock the roll out of his hand by accident. I reckon he could probably scoop up a load of spag quite easily and twirl it into a manageable clump – he could even make a giant spider’s web with it to catch any low-flying pterodactyls. Would probably have to get a helping hand from a passing diplodocus though.

Man, I love Sellotape.

Archaeology is fun and exciting

Hi there, my name is Anthony Hope and I am a professional archaeologist. What most people don’t realise is that archaeology is actually an art form. Nothing tickles my cockles more than slowly brushing away a few specks of dirt and finding the remains of an ancient homoerectus skull gradually exposing itself. Getting a homoerectus is a rather enjoyable experience and it can happen at any time. I once got one first thing in morning and I was so surprised that I almost trod on it! I generally hope to get one or two homoerectuses popping up each week or so and sometimes I take them in the shower with me so I can scrub away at the dirty bits. I once asked the receptionist if she would like a bit of my homoerectus and she slapped me round the face; clearly she’s in love with one of those dinosaur-digging palaeontology idiots.

I tell you that damn Jurassic Park film has got a lot to answer for. Ever since Spielberg made that film people are always asking me if I have found any dinosaurs. Let’s get one thing straight: palaeontology is complete balls. I don’t care how much they go on about your t-rex this, or your raptor that, everyone knows that Jesus and Moses planted those bones and I said as much at the time. I was in the cinema handing out leaflets and yelling, yelling, at people saying none of what they were watching was true. You know what happened? I got thrown out no matter how many extra tickets and boxes of popcorn I bought. Some people just can’t handle the truth.

Archaeology is a very rewarding experience. You know that fresh feeling you get when you brush your teeth in the morning? I get that feeling all the time! Down on my knees all day with my best buddies, a well-placed toothbrush can be an exhilarating experience. Once those bristles have been worked into all the nooks and crannies there ain’t no stopping me from whooping and hollering in delight.

It can be tiring work though. When I come home my wife often asks if I will tend to her lady-garden but after 35-years of marriage it’s really not my thing anymore – the begonias create an awful pong if they aren’t looked after properly.