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Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Hi there, my name is Anthony Hope and I am a professional archaeologist. What most people don’t realise is that archaeology is actually an art form. Nothing tickles my cockles more than slowly brushing away a few specks of dirt and finding the remains of an ancient homoerectus skull gradually exposing itself. Getting a homoerectus is a rather enjoyable experience and it can happen at any time. I once got one first thing in morning and I was so surprised that I almost trod on it! I generally hope to get one or two homoerectuses popping up each week or so and sometimes I take them in the shower with me so I can scrub away at the dirty bits. I once asked the receptionist if she would like a bit of my homoerectus and she slapped me round the face; clearly she’s in love with one of those dinosaur-digging palaeontology idiots.
I tell you that damn Jurassic Park film has got a lot to answer for. Ever since Spielberg made that film people are always asking me if I have found any dinosaurs. Let’s get one thing straight: palaeontology is complete balls. I don’t care how much they go on about your t-rex this, or your raptor that, everyone knows that Jesus and Moses planted those bones and I said as much at the time. I was in the cinema handing out leaflets and yelling, yelling, at people saying none of what they were watching was true. You know what happened? I got thrown out no matter how many extra tickets and boxes of popcorn I bought. Some people just can’t handle the truth.
Archaeology is a very rewarding experience. You know that fresh feeling you get when you brush your teeth in the morning? I get that feeling all the time! Down on my knees all day with my best buddies, a well-placed toothbrush can be an exhilarating experience. Once those bristles have been worked into all the nooks and crannies there ain’t no stopping me from whooping and hollering in delight.
It can be tiring work though. When I come home my wife often asks if I will tend to her lady-garden but after 35-years of marriage it’s really not my thing anymore – the begonias create an awful pong if they aren’t looked after properly.
A chat with Mr Sellotape
John Sellota
pe here, head of the mighty Sellotape stationery empire. Interesting fact: did you know that last year 16 billion rolls of Sellotape were sold? That’s quite impressive, yes? But hold on, this got me thinking… how much of that Sellotape sold was used to package up other boxes of Sellotape ready to be sent out to shops and newsagents all over the globe? So then I got thinking some more and started wondering what was used to seal up boxes before Sellotape was invented… I could come up with only one answer: spaghetti.
It’s true, it has to be! Think about it – spaghetti is Italian and several thousand years ago the Romans ruled the earth. Them Romans was Italian so it makes perfect sense from a historical perspective. They must have had a huge cauldron that they cooked all the spag’ up in and then used it to tie up their sandals. Chances are that they used it to string their bows in an emergency as well. In fact, they probably even whipped their slaves and crucified Jesus Christ with the stuff. Say what you want about the Roms but they knew how to use their spag’ and it kind of makes you wonder where it all went wrong for them… and I reckon they got into the bad habit of overcooking it. Nothing worse than going round someone’s house for dinner and finding that they have overcooked the pasta, it totally ruins the night. Heaven only knows what effect it would have on an empire quite literally built on the stuff.
Although I talk about the Romans ruling the earth, this was long after the dinosaurs went extinct. Now I tell you them bally dinos where a strict lot what with all the sharp teeth and deadly claws flying about the place. I wonder how the tyrannosaurus rex would have used Sello or spag if either of them had existed back then – those arms of his are quite short and not really suited to finding the end of the tape. Plus, that big chin of his would get in the way and maybe even knock the roll out of his hand by accident. I reckon he could probably scoop up a load of spag quite easily and twirl it into a manageable clump – he could even make a giant spider’s web with it to catch any low-flying pterodactyls. Would probably have to get a helping hand from a passing diplodocus though.
Man, I love Sellotape.
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