Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: crucifixion

The Pope reviews a lamb curry

popeHai, peeps!

Is Popes here and I have confess to make: I getting bored of Italy. Ever since I was child, I immerse in Italy cultures and Italy way of life. Was once source of pride to know that national sport for Italian men was to sleep with brother’s wife and spend all of monies on shampoo and hairsprays, but now I bored of same old same old every day and is time I experience new things from other places for once.

I start off by placing order for curry from nearby curry place. Man on other end of phone was hard to understand so I ask him his name in case I need to ring back.  He say his name is Trevor which no sound Indian to me so I think he telling me porking pies.  Anyway, food arrive 45 minutes later, deliver by skinny man on motorbike that make lots of noise but no go very fast. I was thinking of ask him if engine is about to fall off, but I end up slam door in his face as I no like his moustache. Already I have fun sample other ways of life.

Okay, so curry is packed into see-through plastic boxes which is very interest for people who like see inner workings of things. I remember I once had fish tank that was see-through, which very useful for watching little fishy swim to and fro. Unfortunate, I forgot feed fish and he suffer slow painful death like man condemned to die by crucifixion on top of hill.

There is two papadums in bag but I no sure what they for.  Maybe for frisbees in garden?  I pour curry out onto plate and it smell very nice.  Now come to taste it and HOLY SHITS IS SPICY AND HOT! Jeezy Chreezy Christ, how is possible to eat when it burn as if devil is crawling around and doing big smelly fart in my throat? Good job I have some communion wafers and holy waters ready for times like this.

Hmmm after few more mouthfuls, I get used to spicy taste – it seem that Italian culture of drink aftershave finally come in handy, no?

For some reason I feeling urge to get drunk on cheap lager and be sick all over someone’s shoes after finishing curry.  I think I save that for next week as don’t want to use up all excite at once.

Justin Bieber’s Diary

justin bieberDear diary

I went round a friend’s house the other day and we watched a film called Die Hard. At first I thought it was going to be a film about the crucifixion of Jesus but it wasn’t and right near the start there was this bit where someone did a swear! I couldn’t believe it, I was so shocked. Then some more people did more swears and I had to turn it off because I was starting to get scareded. After that, me and my friend played draughts for a while. Draughts is like chess, but way less confusing. I managed to get one of my pieces across the other side and make it a king! It was so exciting, as I hardly ever manage that because I’m not very good at games with lots of moving pieces.

Later on we got a lift to McDonalds so that we could go and get a strawberry milkshake each. Mummy had Sellotaped the exact money up for me so paying for it was super easy. I love fast food places! So many nice people there, just hanging out and being friendly. All the workers are always rushing around and doing things and shouting things as well. It must be really exciting to work there and be able to shout “Big Mac” all day long whenever you want. They were also really helpful and asked if I wanted fries with it but I said I didn’t because I don’t actually know what ‘it’ is.

When we got back to my friend’s house we blew up some balloons. His dad helped us and one of them popped right in his face which was so funny although it did make me jump a bit at first. His dad can be really silly sometimes. Once he came out of the toilet and his flies were still open and some of his shirt was poking out. I remember once he let me try his slippers on and they were really big. They were quite comfy and I asked if I could have them and he said no.

I did have my own slippers but mummy got cross when I accidentally wore them in the bath.

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