Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

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Ghadaffi’s son surrenders after running out of Coco Pops

FoundGadaffi son

Colonel Gaddafi’s son, Saif al-Islam, has surrendered peacefully in Libya after “Getting fed up with surviving on that Muesli shit,” and because “I really miss the awesome bacon and egg sandwiches that Dad used to make me each morning.” Saif, who had been hiding a cave, said that being outdoors “Was good fun at first,” but after a while “I started to feel like Stig of the Dump,” especially when “My deodorant started to run out.”

Recent media reports stated that Saif was captured, but he said “That’s a load of old bobbins,” as the rebels are “Nothing more than a bunch of cowboys.” More than once, he would be “Hiding under a blanket like those hobbits did in Lord of the Rings,” when some rebel soldiers would “Walk right past me, usually talking about Kim Kardashian,” and Saif would “Just lie there happily munching on a Twix until they went away.”

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Saif had access to a large stockpile of goodies, but “I’ve always had a bit of a sweet tooth,” which meant that “None of the fun stuff lasted as long as it should have.” Each week he looked forward to opening a new box of cereal, but “The free toys aren’t as good as they were in the 1980s. It used to be Star Wars and GI Joe stuff, but now it’s all Jelly Tots and Toy Story,” and he was disappointed to see that “The chocolate wagon wheels are smaller than I remember.”

Saif also admitted that one of the reasons he handed himself in was that “It gets really dusty out there,” and compared the desert climate to “Living on the bloody moon.” He tried to keep himself entertained but “My iPhone screen reflects the sun too much,” so he “really struggled with those later Angry Birds levels.” He also heard a rumour that “Apple’s batteries might explode in the heat.”

“My Ugg Boots are in tatters as well.”

Gaddafi captured and killed in adventure playground

gaddafiPipes

Libya’s Col Muammar Gaddafi was captured and then accidentally killed during a tussle in an adventure playground it was revealed yesterday. Gaddafi, who apparently “Loved hiding in pipes,” was playing with some friends in a local children’s play area when “Some bigger kids came along and wanted to join in.” Gaddafi wasn’t usually one “To let people ruin his fun,” so he “put on his favourite red robe,” and “Politely asked them to go away.”

Gaddafi initially refused to let them in at all but then said that “They could use the slides if they wanted,” but aren’t to “go anywhere near the swings.” One of the other kids was especially disappointed because “I had a French exchange student staying with me,” and he had been hoping to “Show him the newly installed roundabout.”

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Although fond of playgrounds in general, Gaddafi hasn’t liked slides ever since suffering a panic attack a few years ago. It was his first time at The Blue Lagoon Water Park and he “Made a bee-line for The Black Hole slide the moment he got there.” The attending lifeguard told Gaddafi that “Although you exceed the minimum height requirements, military uniform isn’t suitable swimming gear.” Gaddafi ignored the lifeguard and “Jumped in head first.” A friend later said that “We don’t know what happened to him on the way down,” but when he emerged at the bottom Gaddafi was “as white as a ghost.”

The Libyan leader has been fond of pipes ever since he was a kid. When he was nine years old he was given a hamster as a pet and would “Construct elaborate mazes for it out of toilet rolls.” A few months later the hamster escaped and was never found. This made him very sad and ever since then “He has tried to live the life of a hamster.”

“Dying in a pipe is the way he would’ve wanted to go.”

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