Vladimir Putin reviews a glass of Coke

Hail, comrades! Today I take special delivery of Coca Cola, elixir of taste and fizz. Coke is symbol of Western propaganda, so it delivered in secure box and guarded by KGB agents who ride atop mighty steed of grizzly bear. If Coke manage to escape and run away, it might setup camp in woods and organise democracy rally march. For security I make sure all doors and windows closed, plugs in sink and bath stuffed with ear wax, and chimney blocked with carcass of starving horse. I also leave key in keyhole, so Coke not able to sneak look outside of room.

I unscrew lid of Coke and immediately I see it froth up and try to escape. I let fizz come out slow, so as to keep it in bottle cage. When pour in glass it take me by surprise and froth up much faster and this time it escape over rim of glass! I shout and call in guards so they stop it run away. They get hairdryers and shoot hot air at Coke so it dry up and no trickle across floor. I worry that if it get in ground then Coke plant sprout up and have lots of Father Christmases grow from branches. Father Christmas well known for emptying his sack in sock of children, much like Catholic priest.

Now come to taste Coke, but I worry that Coke is like virus and infect me to be host for something bad. I get guard to drink Coke and then I smell his burp to see if I like or not. Guard drink it but he no burp. I tell him drink more, but he still no burp. I have guard shot for being traitor and decide to drink Coke myself. It nice and tasty and make me do loud burp. I hear guard laughing at my burp so I set bear on him and then I kill bear by getting in headlock.

Next week, if I manage to get tin opener back from neighbour I review Heinz tomato soup.

Vladimir Putin does the horoscopes

Comrades. As the new and rightful leader I here to tell you what is what. I divide you up by star sign and then say what is happen. You must not try to get out of it or else man who wrestle bear for fun will come and find you. I sometime wrestle bear for fun and I teach other mans who like to wrestle how to do it too. We have fun and shoot guns for fun as well. Then we practise putting people in cage and no feed them for six weeks; is fun.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Your favourite TV programme have special omnibus special this week. Omnibus is now cancel so you do something else instead and I suggest learning Judo for fun or maybe even make mashed potato for local bear wrestling club. For every 500 potatoes you peel, get free bullet for gun of my choice.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Favourite vending machine at work is now changed – no more vending Coca Cola and Scampi Snacks, but bricks and cyanide instead. Price is doubled too. You buy brick and donate to local martial art dojo so they buy cages for bears. Cyanide is for killing rats in house. You say you no have rats? You will soon, so buy quick before cyanide run out.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

I see you have nice shampoo in bathroom. Soon, shampoo not be in stock in shop so you have better shampoo instead. Is black in colour and can be use for paint or wash car as well. It is like hair dye too, which is good as I like sexy brunette very much. Soon, all lady have sexy brunette hair.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

You have nice wallpaper and pictures up in house. Is nice but you take down soon. Everyone having nice and smart grey concrete walls and lights with no lampshade, which be good practice for when you get arrest and put in prison for being spy. I know you spy as you have pet rabbit or dog instead of have bear to practice wrestling on.