Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: camping

A cub scout reviews a tape measure

tapemeasureHi, gang!  My name is Jeremy Jez and I’m a member of the 23rd Alrdridge Scout Group.

Now, if there’s one thing that Akela is always telling me it’s that I should be going out and doing things for myself, and it’s for that reason that I’ve decided to become more independent.  And what better way to do that than to take a close look at a tape measure?  All the important people use them, like plumbers and electricians, and I once saw a car park attendant using one to see if someone had double-parked or not.  Cool, eh?

After asking my mum to turn the light on for me, I went into the garage and found dad’s measuring tape on the shelf.  It’s one of those special ones where the tape rolls back into the holster thing when you let go, so I’ve got to make sure I don’t cut myself on the sharp edges.  Someone should invent a sellotape that can do that as well, ‘cos it always seems to get stuck to my fingers.

First of all I decided to try and measure the hallway, but it turns out that the tape wasn’t long enough which is a bit rubbish.  Does that mean you have to buy two of them if you want to measure a room in your house?  That must cost LOADS.

I then measured my Xbox, which was quite big, but not as big as my TV.  I got out my sleeping bag that I took to summer camp and measured the wee stain from when I wet the bed because I thought I heard a bear outside the tent – turned out it was just the patrol leader coming back from the toilet.

Actually, that reminds me: my patrol leader is always boasting about how big his willy is, so this is a great chance to see if it’s true.  Hmmm, the tape says mine is three inches long – that’s really good, right?

No way will anyone else be able to beat that!

Former WWF wrestler Hulk Hogan on the politics of citrus fruits

HulkHoganHey guys, it’s the Hulkster here!

Anyone else a fan of camping? I tells you, I love the entire experience – from the moment I lace up my thick leather walking boots, I look forward to that moment at the end of the day when I get to suffocate a small animal with my bare hands so it can be cooked on an open fire.

I remember I once forgot to pack my mallet, meaning I had nothing to bang the tent pegs in with. Luckily, I discovered that I could headbutt the cheeky little varmints into the ground and I’ve never bothered packing a mallet since then!

Now, after a hard day’s hiking around under the hot summer sun, there’s no better fruit to refresh yourself with than a satsuma. Not a lot of people agree, but as far as I’m concerned the satsuma is the best of all the citrus fruits that humanity has so far discovered, yet it’s the orange that tends to get all the praise and popularity these days.  If you ask me, the orange is nothing more than a bully and can be a real mean son of a bitch to get into. I can make mincemeat out of a can of Dr Pepper, but for the life of me I can’t get into an orange without all the pips getting stuck in my ‘tache.

Limes ain’t too bad but they’re green and remind me of Brussels sprouts, which give me real bad indigestion and I don’t like having bad guts when I’m out in the middle of nowhere.

And lemons? Lemons are right sneaky assholes, constantly waiting for the right moment to squirt a bit of juice in your eye when you’re least expecting it. Hell, I remember the last time it happened to me I nearly passed out – getting a dollop of the bitter stuff down your Japseye ain’t no fun and I’ve been wary of handling lemons at bedtime ever since.

A sattsy, though? Thems are lovely things and they’re great for sharing around with your buddies. Whilst everyone else is guzzling down a Budweiser or two, me and the family are in the corner enjoying a delightful array of satsuma segments. Even the pets like a quick nibble on them, though you gotta be careful; I once petted next door’s dog a bit too hard and accidentally caved the poor little mite’s skull in.

Sometimes, I just don’t know my own strength.

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