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Peeps who interviewed me
Trailer for Underneath
Trailer for Shades of Grey
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Greetings! My name is Norman McNorman and, although I don’t consider myself to be a religious man, I find it hard to deny that there’s something very very special about the Sabbath. Whether I’m sitting indoors in a comfy chair with my favourite slippers or settling into an outside hammock with my favourite slippers, I’ll be completely at peace for the entire day. And if either of my young nephews start up with their shouty Facebook games, or ask if they can watch something on the Xbox, I’ll peer disapprovingly over the top of my spectacles as I tell them “Not on a Sunday, boys.”
During the January sales I purchased several DVD boxsets of my favourite TV shows and since then I’ve indulged in several marathon sessions of Police, Camera, Action! and Stop, Thief! Could you give me some advice on how to make my weekends more relaxing?
Good heavens, man, what vulgar and inappropriate language you’ve chosen to address me with! Firstly, you need to get out of this ‘marathon’ mindset: it’s simply not possible for one to relax whilst partaking in such an exhausting activity. I suggest you step into a pair of slippers and watch some kind of highlights package instead, preferably played back at half-speed so as to maintain an emotional uniformity that will be sustained throughout the entire day; anything else is likely to leave you drained and exhausted for the busy week ahead.
I’m thinking of buying a new pair of walking shoes as my current ones are worn out. However, I’m not sure whether to go for the traditional fur-lined type or the more modern air bubble support ones. What would you recommend to make my walks across the South Downs more relaxing?
Walking shoes? The South Downs…? You’re giving me a hernia! My good man, I do believe that you’re talking about going on a hike, which is a word and an activity that really isn’t welcome here in my boudoir of relaxation. However, if you really must insist on attempting such a thing on the Sabbath then my advice is simple: pop along to your nearest airport with a pair of slippers and ‘hike’ your way along the travelator at a steady pace. Make good use of any advertisements depicting sunbathers relaxing on a beach as they will assist you into getting into the right mindset. Just be sure that you don’t fall asleep or stumble into anyone else, as jet lagged returning holiday goers are the anathema of the Sabbath.
36-year old window cleaner David Simmons sensationally quit his minimum wage job after getting fed up with “Not seeing as many naked chicks as I used to.” David acknowledges that “times are tough for everyone,” so maybe people “just don’t feel confident about walking around completely naked these days,” but that “Enough is enough.” David told us “I’ve seen some great sights in all my years doing this job. I remember back in 1992 I saw 22-year old student Hayley Barb in her bra. She was a real hot bit of crumpet I can tell you and all the other lads were really jealous when I told them about it afterwards. They nicknamed me ‘Dirty Dave’ after that, a name that I am still proud of to this day.”
Soon after getting the job, David “started keeping a diary of everything interesting I saw,” something which he says marked him out as “A true professional dedicated to my craft as it’s one of the things that marked me out as the best,” he told us. “The lads would try and outdo me with tales of seeing Mrs Jenkins bending over or Mr Davorak pissing in the corner whilst drunk, but none of them had any proof of it. Any time someone doubted me I would just whip out the diary and show them.”
When camera phones first started appearing on the market, David was “Very, very excited,” but decided to “Wait a few years because the early ones were a bit rubbish.” For a while, David’s status fell as “Everyone else jumped right onto the camera phone bandwagon,” and “even a blurry, grainy colour picture of a fully clothed middle aged woman was worth a lot in them days.” The moment the iPhone went on sale David knew his time had come and he “Queued up outside Carphone Warehouse for a solid eight hours to get one,” and then “Went straight out to work, I had my bucket and squeegee with me the whole time.”
Despite quickly regaining his status, things “changed within a couple of years,” as “The hunters over-fished the seas, if you catch my drift.” Everywhere David looked “Someone was up a ladder and pointing their phone at something. People soon wised up, which was a real shame.” A bitter David then said, “You know, it’s like they betrayed us as seeing naked chicks was an unspoken perk of the job. Yeah, you paid £1.15 per set of windows cleaned, but the ‘wink-wink, nudge-nudge’ part of the deal was the occasional glimpse of someone in their underwear and they went back on their side of the bargain.”
“Well, let them reap what they sow because I’m done with the industry.”