Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: cambridge

NHS staff still recovering from Prince Philip’s heart surgery

StablePrince Philip

Hospital staff at Papworth Hospital in Cambridgeshire are said to be “Recovering well,” ever since performing heart surgery on Prince Philip a week ago. The 90-year old Prince initially terrified staff when he insisted that “I want the same bed that the fat bitch from the Princess and the Pea had,” but calmed down after “someone retold him his favourite racist joke.” Soon after being introduced to the surgeon he voiced his displeasure at “being treated by the sort of soppy bastard that wears slippers to work.”

Ambulance crews drew lots to decide who would be transporting the Prince to the hospital with free counselling being offered to those who required it. Paramedics had been briefed to “Remove any jewellery and personal items that may have originated from China, India, Russia, Iran, Japan, Africa, Argentina, or Germany, so as not to upset the Prince during the journey.”

Sorted

There was a brief respite from the Prince’s barbed words once he was put under anaesthetic, but upon later waking up it wasn’t long before he was demanding that “One of you stupid bastards must have some gin or at least a few drops of port on you.” When an orderly asked if he needed another pillow the Prince replied with “Who let this spikey haired twat in my room?”

Although the Prince is now back at Buckingham Palace, he is being kept under strict observation. This has been met with indignant retorts such as “Are you going to stand there whilst I have a shit?” and “even without my glasses I can see you’re an ugly bugger””

Usually an active person, the Prince is often complaining about how he has nothing to do. “Christ, I’m bored… I fancy shooting something. Quick, someone call Fergie.”

Stray tyre rolls down hill; causes chaos, but has time of his life

tyreGoing

A stray speeding tyre briefly caused chaos for the residents of a steep hill in Cambridge yesterday. The tyre, which “appeared out of nowhere,” said he had “the time of my life,” during his speedy, uncontrolled descent down Crown Hill. “I’m not as young as I used to be and I have to admit the acceleration caught me by surprise a little bit… but man, what a rush! On the way down I saw a kid on a skateboard and I was like ‘Hey there kid on a skateboard, high-five me!’ and you know what he did? He high-fived me without missing a beat.”

Local residents described the event as “A right mad carry on,” that was “totally out of character for the area.” Paula Able, who lives on Crown Hill, told us “I was mowing the lawn because it was a Tuesday. I always mow the lawn on Tuesdays and that tyre had no right to do what he did. I would’ve stayed in-doors if I’d known that was going to happen and I called the police immediately.”

Setback

The free-wheeling tyre’s epic journey came to an ignominious stop when he hit a tree at the bottom of the hill. “I was disappointed and a little bit pissed off at the time, but I don’t hold a grudge or anything; that tree has been there for years so I doubt there was any malice in it. I hit a stone on the way down and got some real air under my treads which was something I’ve never experienced before. Me, the tree, and the stone, we all had a right chuckle about it afterwards. The police were called but they were cool with it and said it was just one of those once-in-a-century type things.”

“I just wish someone had recorded it and put it up on YouTube. That would have been epic.”

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