Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: Buzz Lightyear

Justin Bieber’s diary

justin bieberDear diary

This morning I woke up and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth like mummy always tells me to do. Last night she told me that I was a big boy so I decided it was time to use a big boy’s toothbrush rather than the Buzz Lightyear one I got for my birthday.  I started brushing the way daddy taught me but for some reason it really hurted and my gums started bleeding.  Then mummy came in and shouted at me for putting the toilet brush in my mouth and when I asked her why the toothpaste tasted all nutty she sent me to my room and I did a cry.

In the afternoon I decided to play a game where I pretended to be an animal living on a farm. I got some of daddy’s porridge oats and poured them into mummy’s handbag and put it round my head so that I had a nosebag like a horse does when the farmer feeds him but the bag got stuck and I couldn’t see so I tripped over a hosepipe and got tangled up and I thought a snake was attacking me.  This almost made me do a cry but then I remembered that snakes don’t live on farms and everything was okay again apart from the bag that was still stuck on my head.

The other day I drawed a picture of some birdies and when I looked out the window there were birdies eating worms in the garden. I went out to show them my picture but I don’t think they liked it because they all flied away whenever I got near them. I put some bread on my head and stood as still as a statue but none of the birds wanted to be my friend and I did a cry which scared them away again.

Later on in the evening I went to play on my Nintendo but it wasn’t there and I did a cry because I thought the birdies had stolen it but then mummy said she moved it when she was tidying up and so everything was okay again.

My immortality serum is almost ready

ChemistryHello. My name is John Bubble and I am a chemistry chemical EXPERT. Ever since my 12th birthday, when I got a Johnson & Johnson chemistry set, my fate has been in my own hands. The moment I opened up the box I found myself captivated by the clammy feel of the fire-retardant test tubes and the smell of the rubber squeezy bit on the pipette, though the boner I got when I saw the bulge of the girl’s breasts on the front of the box was pretty good as well. Right there and then I knew that I was a mere GCSE exam away from being a full-blown genius. I told everyone in my class to call me Sir Anthrax but they misheard me and started calling me Stiff Anus instead.

After braving the dangers of iron filings and bicarbonate of soda for a few weeks, I decided to step things up a gear by getting some crushed Trebor Extra Strong Mints and shampoo. It wasn’t the baby-kind shampoo either so I had to wear the safety goggles in case I got some in my eye. Down at the bottom of my garden, wearing my goggles for safety, and Buzz Lightyear jumper for comfort, I mixed the two components together… and then I fled for safety and threw myself upon the ground in case something bad happened. An hour later I peered through my binoculars and was suddenly aware that I had turned the entire world black! SUCCESS! Then I realised I’d left the lens cap on and had climaxed somewhat prematurely again.

Now, on the cusp of my 14th birthday, I’m about to unleash my IMMORTALITY SERUM upon the world. Well, upon me anyway. Then I shall be rid of these teeth retainers that make me dribble and spit like my grandmother once and for all! I will have the hairiest chest and the largest Adam’s apple you will ever see! And Sexy Susan won’t dare laugh at my Yoda impressions ever again for she will be my wife. She doesn’t know it but I can sometimes see her bra through her blouse. But enough talking. Here we go… time to quaff the serum and take my rightful place in the world.

Ooooh, it tastes like chicken.

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