- RT @TheTopoftheD: As the Women’s World Cup starts this week, I’ve written this for @TheHockeyPaper. I suspect it might not be as popular… 1 day ago
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Tag Archives: britain
06/11/2013Posted by on
Yo peeps! Time for yet another serious post whereby I whore myself out and go all self-promotiony on you.
Right then. Just over a year ago, some of you may recall that I published a book called Shades of Grey. It was a collection of three short stories that was only available in smelly ebook form (Kindle, Nook, etc.) Well, I’m pleased to announce that it is finally available in PAPERBACK form! YES! Down with all this digital nonsense I say, and onwards with pulped trees and physically vulnerable mediums. Apart from WordPress, of course; blogging would be a right kerfuffle if was all done via papyrus scrolls. Papyrus shops are a bit thin on the ground here in Blighty.
Anyway, to celebrate this truly momentous occasion I’m giving away a whole five copies to anyone who fancies one. This giveaway is open to anyone, anywhere in the world… providing Amazon deliver to you, that is. This goes doubly so for people in America as they buy far FAR more of my books than any of my smelly fellow Brits do. In fact, my fellow Brits should count themselves lucky that I’m even allowing them to enter. You bloody Brits with your wonky NHS dentisted teeth, daft accents, and the obsession with driving fuel-efficient cars.
I tell you, if I ever get rich and famous from this writing lark, I’ll definitely go and live in the US for a while. I’ll be able to eat hot grits for breakfast and have melted cheese on everything without anyone batting an eyelid. I won’t be going anywhere near their chocolate though, that really is ghastly stuff.
So, all you have to do is leave an email address in a comment below and I’ll contact you for your real address if you’re a winner.
For those that don’t believe I actually went ahead with this, it’s listed here on Amazon UK and here on Amazon US. For those that still don’t believe me, here is a picture of the aforementioned paperbacks on my bed. And yes, I did gather them up and cuddle them afterwards.
PS – although it shares a similar name, Shades of Grey has nothing to do with that erotic grot written by EL James.
PPS – for those wanting to know, I’m hard at work on another book. I decided to dip back into historical fiction again, and it’s a story set in the Warsaw Ghetto during WWII.
John is not a very nice man. He works for the government. So who has tied him to a chair and what do they want?
James is a British soldier during WWII. Tom is a young boy with a terrible secret.
Three stories. Three very different people. All of them battling to survive.
11/12/2011Posted by on
Bonjour, I am Pierre and my motto is Vive la France! France is so amazing that we are currently on our Fifth Republic. Those stupid Brits and Yankees copied us so we went lots better and had many more revolutions than they did; ha! In my native France I love eating pickled onions as they are so tasty and nice. I have one with breakfast of croissant, red wine, and cheese. Sometimes I even have TWO pickled onions. If I brew pickled onion for long enough and it look handsome enough, I nail it to front door of house so I am greeted by it each time I come home from having big sex in street. You should come visit one day, is nice. If you are a Brit or a Yankee, you can’t stay more than one hour in case you steal from me.
Have you seen television? In case you don’t know television is like radio but in a box with moving picture. At first I thought it pixie theatre but after turning it off and on many times I never catch pixies in middle of toilet or resting. If I was in a pixie theatre I would write play about France culture habit of having big sex in street. Television was invented in France in 1985 and now nearly everyone has one. We keep the recipe a secret so no-one else in world has a TV and we make them very heavy so no-one can steal them. If I came home to find Brit and Yankee taking Polaroid photo of TV to steal idea I would bop their noses off. Polaroid was invented in France as well, I think in 1982 or 1923, I not really sure.
I did student exchange with Brit school many years ago. They had competition with conkers so I entered with pickled onion. Pickled onion is tough but rubbery, so they couldn’t break it no matter what they try. I not win because pickled onion not hard enough but I not lose either. I ended my year there with no loses in conkers competition and they bastards who not even give me medal or scarf or socks for a prize.
While I was there someone broke into my locker many times I think to try to steal my pickled onions. It was Brit school in Brit so it was probably Brit thief. I out fooled them by keeping onions in my pockets at all times so I can touch them, feel them, stroke them, and then smell my fingers afterwards. Smell is nice and many Brit badgers and weasels think so too, because they followed me every day. I wondered if Brit animals are thieves, too, so I stayed up a tree most days.
Next year I look forward to getting colour TV when they invented by French TV inventors.