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- RT @maffbrown: Steve McClaren delighted with the England goal there… #ENGvsSEN #ENGSEN https://t.co/qb3NLYgN1z 5 days ago
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Hi there, gang! I tell you I’m so glad that this sports malarkey finally got going as it gives me a chance to stretch my legs. For the past seven years I’ve had all manner of smelly builders climbing all over me sticking their bits in my nooks and crannies. Some of them don’t even wash their hands after going to the loo and the amount of hairy arse-cleavage on show was enough to make me heave.
Pisces, Taurus, Gemini
Oh dear, I’m all nervous now. Stop looking at me like that, you’re making me go all shy. Okay, that Bulgarian female weightlifter has put her clothes back on now – all that hair and testosterone was making me feel ill. Do any of you have tickets? If not, just say yo’’re with the Jamaican bob-sleigh team. There was a documentary about them once they had a riot of a time. I wonder if that mad one has still got his lucky egg? It’s probably best to avoid the Germans though, they’re a bunch of dicks.
Cancer, Leo, Scorpio
Erg, have you been looking around in those awful charity shops again? That dress is hideous. Look, I know it’s been nicknamed the ‘austerity games’, but really. And why is your husband wearing faded green socks with those awful sandals…? Is he trying to look like a German paedophile tourist on purpose? Shoo, shoo, away with you! Tout your tickets for three times their face value and never return here again, not even when I’m nothing more than a forgotten, rotting husk once the Games have finished. Olympic legacy? Olympic leprosy more like.
Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra
Ah, little Sammy! I remember you writing me that letter last year asking if you could bake me a cake. I had a bit of trouble reading your childish scribbles but I got there in the end. So, did you remember the cake? Oh, it’s a mud pie? Well, I guess you have to make do with what you have and your mummy won’t let you use the oven yet. Okay, see that security guard over there? Throw the cake at him! He is always whipping his willy out and going for a piss up against my walls because he can’t be bothered to walk to the gents toilet. Kraut bastard, I bet he has a really fat wife.
Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries
A quick tip for you guys: bring a cardigan as the weather hasn’t been as warm as it should be. Might want to bring some wellies and a brolly as well just in case it rains. Bear in mind that it’s summer, so shorts are ideal if it gets hot. The food is shockingly expensive inside so hide some biscuits in your socks. Oh and the security is a complete shambles so if you’ve got your own explosives sniffer dog, bring him along just in case. And a gun if you have one.