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- RT @TheTopoftheD: As the Women’s World Cup starts this week, I’ve written this for @TheHockeyPaper. I suspect it might not be as popular… 1 month ago
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
In the early hours of Saturday morning a squirrel was saved from certain death thanks to the selfless actions of a passing pigeon. The pigeon said “Yeah, I was just fluttering around as you do and making sure me nest was in order ‘cos I’m a bit house proud ya see and I don’t likes any mess in me house. After a hard day of buggering about on top of roofs and trees, the last thing I need is a nest chock full of muck and nonsense. I once fell asleep on top of some strawberry Hubba Bubba and it made a right bloody mess of my plumage; no squire, that ain’t happening to me again.”
“Anyway, I looked down and I saw this furry red thing with a bushy tail looking a bit distressed. I thoughts to meself ‘that looks like a squirrel that does’ and when I got closer I could see that I was right: it was a bloody squirrel! The poor little blighter didn’t know if he was coming or going, right, so I thought I may as well help him out. I used to be in the Flying Rats Corp and so I know all about squirrels – right nervous buggers they are, I tell you. Beautiful old tails they ‘ave but mad as a box of frogs most of the time, if you will excuse me for being quite so frank.”
“I goes down to the squirrel and he was stammering and yammering on about not being able to find his nut store and then he was fretting about if he had left the gas on. I managed to calm him down by doing that trick that Crocodile Dundee did in that Crocodile Dundee film. You know the one, right, where he got that bloody great water buffalo to bugger off out of the road so they could all go and watch that silly blonde tart get eaten by a crocodile. Anyway, after a while this squirrel settled down, had a think about where he was, and then he remembered where everything was.”
“I was about to compliment him on his nice tail when he just turned and ran off! Twat didn’t even thank me.”