Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: beauty baggins

Beauty Baggins does horoscopes

I bought an instrument the other day; can you horoscopesguess what it was? It’s large, it’s brown, and it can be found in orchestra buildings… and it rhymes with ‘cello’. No, wait, I meant ‘yellow’. Damn, I mucked the game up. Oh well, on with the show.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

An Xbox will be your downfall this week. Whether it is from being electrocuted in your own house, from one falling from a shelf onto your head, or just being beaten whilst playing Call of Duty online I cannot say, so I recommend wearing rubber gloves and a motorbike helmet for a few days. Don’t fall asleep in department stores either.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Pick up a stick and throw it really hard. Now wait a few minutes to see if a friendly dog proudly brings it back to you. If he does, then throw it again, but harder and in a different direction and see if the dog brings it back again. Kidnap the dog and claim a reward when the owners notice it is missing. If no dogs appear for you, make sure you aren’t still in your bedroom and try doing it in a park instead.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Think of a number and double it. Then treble that number, add some zeroes, and double it again. That number still isn’t as large as the number of bacteria on your face so go and have a bath and rinse yourself off with a cold shower lest you catch something. You people are filthy.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Be sure to stock up on batteries over the next few days as there’s a kleptomaniac on the loose, and he’s out there stealing TV remote controls from the unwary. He has a weird OCD thing where he requires all these stolen remotes to have fresh batteries, so if you deny him this outlet he will get frustrated and hand himself back in.

Beauty Baggins is your fortune teller

Hello and good day to you all. It’s been fairly brighhoroscopest and sunny these last couple of days, which has allowed me to crack on with some redecorating that I need to do. The warm(ish) afternoons have allowed me to open all the doors and windows to let out the smell of the paint. I’m quite sensitive to the fumes, see – once I got so delirious that I put socks on my ears and invited everyone round for a Christmas BBQ.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

This week you should avoid buying anything that has glass in it so no posh bottles of water for the next seven days or so. Technically this also includes train tickets because the train has glass windows and scientists will need to do non-radioactive things, whilst double-glazing salesman can just go jump off a cliff as far as I’m concerned. You can all shush your grumbling because it’s in aid of ‘Save the Dolphins Week’.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

All those old car tyres you have in your garage? Bung ‘em in the garden and have a nice hot fire. Any old tins of paint can be chucked in there as well. The arid stench will reach across at least three towns and the tyres make a fantastically weird noise as they burn, so locals and strangers alike will be able to join in with the fun. Screw the dolphins, it’s all about holes in the ozone layer and soaking up those rays these days.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Start up a new animal charity because, as far as I am concerned, there is no equality in this sector. Everyone goes on and on about the dolphins, yet I never hear so much as a peep about the squirrels… and I bloody love squirrels and I want one as a pet. I tried growing a tree in my house and sowed some peanuts about the place as bait, but the wife threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop being such an idiot. Anyone fancy swapping a squirrel for my wife? She makes a cracking cup of tea.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Right, you lot clearly use the Internet. There are plenty of ways to make money on the Internet with one of the most popular being a columnist or a writer for a web page… or maybe even being a fortune teller on a blog *cough*. Well, whatever you do, don’t ever try to sell, swap, or otherwise disparage your loved ones on said column or blog section – frying pans are lethal weapons and bad for one’s health if used incorrectly.

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