Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: batman

Beauty Baggins’ horoscopes

I got a new flavour of porridge the other day. It hahoroscopesd a nice box and so I thought “Why not?” and bought it instead of getting me usual brand. I mixed it up and noticed that the texture was smoother than the old one and I couldn’t wait to try it out. After bunging it in the microwave for 3 minutes it came out looking bloody marvellous and I decided to put some on my face to see if it was good for me skin. Anyway, I forgot all about it and three hours later it was stuck fast like lumpy superglue. I had to sit in the bath for 3 hours to soak it off… a bath of petrol that is.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Do you like salami? No? Pepperami? Still no? Well what about ham? No again…? Are you a vegetarian? Oh, for goodness sake! Well, just have some beans then but everyone else should pop down to their local supermarket and stock up – Dr Doolittle has been taken sick so there might be a shortage of meat for a while and you don’t want to be serving cheese on toast at that dinner party you’re hosting next week.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

If you haven’t got around to washing your windows recently I suggest that you do so. It’s a boring and tedious job but you’ll reap the benefits soon enough. Imagine that you fell and hit your head whilst watching TV or making yourself a sandwich in the kitchen – when the neighbours start peeking in through your windows you don’t want their view blocked with all that grime that has been building up.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Do you drink your tea in a mug or in a dainty little cup? I bet you cup-users even have a little saucer as well and sip at it as if you’re a special little princess. Man, you lot piss me off you do – just use a mug like the rest of us. Throw those cups and saucers away and you now have loads of extra cupboard space. See? No doubt you will soon fall back into your hoarding ways and fill the shelves with Weetabix or something equally pointless.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

I watched a Batman film the other day. It was great stuff, all dark and moody and everything. There was this one bit, where he did a double-backflip somersault off a table and swung off the lightshade thing on the ceiling. Contrary to how easy it looks in the film, it’s actually bloody hard to do yourself – I’ve had this crick in my neck ever since and it makes looking up at the menu in McDonalds really tricky.

Underpants bomber set to be new Batman villain

Newbatman

DC Comics have revealed that the recently convicted ‘Underpants bomber’ is the inspiration behind a new Batman villain called ‘Underpants Bomber’. The Batman franchise is being taken in a completely “New and unexpected direction,” though things are “Still very much in the brainstorming stage with some blue-sky thinking still to be decided upon.” In the comic book world things “Don’t get any sexier than this,” and “The Underpants Bomber is the biggest celebrity to come to Gotham City. Ever.” Various other ideas are being thrown around such as “The Joker flying off to Thailand for a sex change operation,” and “The Penguin being a judge on X-Factor as a kind of replacement for Simon Cowell.”

A spokesperson told us “We’re currently exploring other avenues, such as a long-lost brother who turns up as, I dunno, something like ‘The Trouser Flamethrower’, or a sister who is ‘The Skirt Boomberanger’. Absolutely anything can happen, it’s that mad.”

Things

Batman has been part of British folklore ever since a ban on comics was lifted in 1786 and his popularity has been rising ever since. In the 19th century he became a controversial figure after one storyline had him marrying Napoleons daughter whilst on holiday in France. Half a decade later, Queen Victoria hailed Batman as “A hero of the British Empire,” after he foiled various assassination attempts against the Royal Family. One Christmas edition had Batman on the front with the caption “The Royals might be a bunch of Germans but they’re my Germans.”

The controversy continued when a villain introduced in 1888 called ‘John ye Slasher of the Immoral Ladies of the Night’ was blamed for being an influence for Jack the Ripper.

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