Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: australia

Alf Stewart from Home and Away talks about romance

G’day, mates! Alf Stewart here.alf stewart

Now, as a proud no-nonsense Australian who doesn’t take a dingo bat’s whisker of nonsense from anyone, you can imagine how cheesed off I was when I found out that the old wife-aroo has been having an affair behind my back. Although I’ll be the first to admit that I’m perhaps a little hard on the silly little strumpetty slap, that’s still no excuse for her to go galloping off into the arms of the first two-bit dingo mongrel head that’s willing to blow a kind word and a compliment up her skirt.

“Oh, you don’t understand me!” is what she claimed when I spoke to her on the phone. Well, too damned right I don’t understand you, you bloody wombat! How am I supposed to know you don’t like it when I let rip with a heavy stonker from my backside if you don’t tell me? I’m no bloody mind reader, no matter what those carpet munching women’s magazines say. And what, exactly, is the problem with me checking out the young girl next door when she’s out sunbathing in the garden? That’s one fine pair of tambourines she’s got tucked up down under that blouse of hers, and I’m man enough to admit that I’d love nothing more than to take her backstage of Sydney Opera House and show her how a real man bangs away on a percussion instrument.

Since then, I’ve been doing what any bloke would do under the circumstances: whatever the hell damned hell of damn I want.  At first I went into town and took in a few titty bars just to get the old didgeridoo back in action, but I had to stop all that when I caught sight of my little niece up on the main stage.  I tell you, that was creepier than a dingo’s backside that’s been stuffed full of creepy crawlies and I hope to hell that she washes her hands before she slaps any more shrimps on any unsuspecting barbies – the flaming smell would carry for miles around, attracting God only knows what type of dirty dingo mongrels from all around here.

Mate, this world has gone to shit.  Dingo shit.

Ireland wins at rugby; Australia enters credit crunch


Sensational scenes were seen at the sensational Stadium of Eden Park this avro as Ireland (population of 57) beat Australia in a game of rugby scrums. Ireland won the coin toss and so got first choice selection as to which piece to play as. They went with the boot which left Australia to choose between either the top hat, the iron, or the dog. The referee quickly discovered that neither the Irish nor the Australian team captains were capable of speaking English, so he just went with the flow and awarded Ireland a deserved win after only twenty three minutes of play.

The result was announced via text message and within minutes Australia entered an economic slump, the kind of which has never been witnessed before in the fledgling nation’s five year history. Australia has struggled to excel at anything other than fringe sports in the last century or so and this loss has really hammered a country that is hammered 90% of the time anyway. Australian Prime Minister Alf Stewart said, “Well mate, those boys out there were a bunch of flaming mongrels and now we’re all in the shitter without a piddle paddle. Austerity measures? I haven’t got a diddle daddle what that is. Is it possible you could post one to me?”

From the top

Irish First Premier, Ahern Flaherty O’Flaherty, sounded upbeat as he told us “To be sure, this is good news for the whole of Oireland. I was out walking me goat and watching the game through the window of DID Electrical when the news came through and I couldn’t believe me ears. I haven’t been this happy since Boyzone won a BRIT Award for dancing in front of a camera. I’ve seen them live twice and even managed to get autographs for my daughter, though I threw them away when I found out that one of them was gay.”

Reports of the Australian fans trying to eat the rest of the crowd at half time are unconfirmed, and the World Association for Rugby said they would wait for the referees match report before doing anything else.

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