Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tag Archives: athletes

Celebrity catch up, with Tony Blair

Tony BlairHey there, fans!  T-Blairs here.  It’s probably been a while since you last heard about me, so now is the perfect time, for a spot of the old catch uperoony.  My life is far more exciting than yours, so it’s better if I do all the talking.  The fact that I have a tan, and you’re still wearing the slippers you got for Xmas, proves that.

As you know, Dubya Bush is a good pal of mine, and I recently discovered that the sun, quite literally, shines out of his arse.  He’s like Superman, Batman, and a tanning salon, all in one!  It’s a bloody good job that he did mange to skive out of going to Vietnam, heaven only knows how I’d cope if he’d got himself killed, before I ever even met him!

The whole thing came to a head last year, when we were visiting the bigwigs, up on Wall Street.  That place is power-walking central, and public benches were abolished way back in 1983.  No doubt the pesky things were stopping the wealth from trickling down.

After a while, Dubya needed a rest, so I sat down on the floor, and told him to sit on my shoulder.  It wasn’t long before I felt my face getting warm, and when I turned to look, there it was!  The sun, gleaming right at me!  Not wanting to spoil the moment, I just sat there, beaming my big, happy smile that everyone loves so much.  Anyway, after a few minutes, Dubya must have had a funny tummy, because I heard him do a little bottom-burp.  As it turns out, his farts smell of strawberries, so I was more than happy to just sit there and let Dubya relax.  I just closed my eyes, basked in the warm sun, and relished the fruity aroma.  In fact, it wasn’t too dissimilar to being in the hospitality suite, for the tennis at Wimbledon.  All that was missing, was some whipped cream, and a large crowd, impotently cheering as Tim Henman is once again thrashed by Andre Agassi.

These past few days, I’ve been watching the Paralympics, and I have to say, some of the stories behind the British athletes have been awe-inspiring.  Whether it’s the RAF pilot who got hit by some rocket shrapnel, or the army captain who went too close to a road-side bomb, it makes me feel proud to know that I’m at least partially responsible for their achievements.  Every, single, ex-military Paralympian who had their arms, legs, or intestines blown to smithereens by Al-Qaeda, has me to thank, for their gold medal.  It’s also a nice ‘up yours’, to all those silly liberals who protested in London, opposing my decision to start wars in far-flung places, that no-one cares about.

I think it’s safe to say, that I had the last laugh there.

The 2012 London Olympic stadium does your horoscopes

Hi there, gang! I tell you I’m sLondon-Olympic-Stadiumo glad that this sports malarkey finally got going as it gives me a chance to stretch my legs. For the past seven years I’ve had all manner of smelly builders climbing all over me sticking their bits in my nooks and crannies. Some of them don’t even wash their hands after going to the loo and the amount of hairy arse-cleavage on show was enough to make me heave.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Oh dear, I’m all nervous now. Stop looking at me like that, you’re making me go all shy. Okay, that Bulgarian female weightlifter has put her clothes back on now – all that hair and testosterone was making me feel ill. Do any of you have tickets? If not, just say yo’’re with the Jamaican bob-sleigh team. There was a documentary about them once they had a riot of a time. I wonder if that mad one has still got his lucky egg? It’s probably best to avoid the Germans though, they’re a bunch of dicks.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Erg, have you been looking around in those awful charity shops again? That dress is hideous. Look, I know it’s been nicknamed the ‘austerity games’, but really. And why is your husband wearing faded green socks with those awful sandals…? Is he trying to look like a German paedophile tourist on purpose? Shoo, shoo, away with you! Tout your tickets for three times their face value and never return here again, not even when I’m nothing more than a forgotten, rotting husk once the Games have finished. Olympic legacy? Olympic leprosy more like.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Ah, little Sammy! I remember you writing me that letter last year asking if you could bake me a cake. I had a bit of trouble reading your childish scribbles but I got there in the end. So, did you remember the cake? Oh, it’s a mud pie? Well, I guess you have to make do with what you have and your mummy won’t let you use the oven yet. Okay, see that security guard over there? Throw the cake at him! He is always whipping his willy out and going for a piss up against my walls because he can’t be bothered to walk to the gents toilet. Kraut bastard, I bet he has a really fat wife.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

A quick tip for you guys: bring a cardigan as the weather hasn’t been as warm as it should be. Might want to bring some wellies and a brolly as well just in case it rains. Bear in mind that it’s summer, so shorts are ideal if it gets hot. The food is shockingly expensive inside so hide some biscuits in your socks. Oh and the security is a complete shambles so if you’ve got your own explosives sniffer dog, bring him along just in case. And a gun if you have one.

%d bloggers like this: