Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Hello, this is dog

dogMaster sends me out from his kennel at night so I can sniff at flowers and leaves and do squeezy until Master calls me back in to tell me I am good boy. I remember when I was puppy I did squeezy on furry blue grass in Master’s kennel; Master rubbed my nose in squeezy and told me I am bad boy.

Master give me biscuit from dog box and tell me I am good boy. When Master eats dinner in front of talking box I stand guard and make sure he knows I will help him finish leftovers that aren’t good enough for him. I go and get dog box so we can share biscuits but Master call me bad boy.

Sometimes Master take me into small room where he do squeezy on shiny white thing. If I try to drink out of shiny white thing or rub my nose in Master’s squeezy, Master tells me I am bad boy.

When Master invite friends round I get nervous so I clean myself for comfort. Ever since Master take me to man who put me to sleep my testicles are not as big they used to be; this mean I lick them for longer but have to stop when Master tells me I am bad boy.

Master put me on chain and we go for walkies on grey grass. If Master sees bitch with two legs he stop to say she smell nice. After more walkies I see bitch with four legs but Master call me bad boy when I try to smell if she on heat. If I do squeezy on grey grass Master put in bag and keep in pocket so he can rub on nose later.

If I good boy Master take me to park full of green grass where I fetch him stick that he drop by accident. After a while I decide it safer if I carry stick for him instead but he call me bad boy if I hold on too tight.

When Master come home from work I will dance and sing him beautiful song in celebration. I then show him buffet I made from tasty biscuits I found hiding in dog boxes and hopefully he call me good boy.

15 responses to “Hello, this is dog

  1. The Indecisive Eejit 06/21/2014 at 1:52 PM

    Actually LOL! If I do squeezy on grey grass Master put in bag and keep in pocket so he can rub on nose later. I feel off the chair!!
    That’s got to be the new office word come Monday I think, I’m away to do squeezies. Brillant!

  2. No Blog Intended 06/21/2014 at 2:40 PM

    Poor dog, so undervalued!

  3. imavoraciousreader 06/22/2014 at 12:48 AM

    Comfort licking. Too bad most humans aren’t flexible enough for that option.

  4. NotAPunkRocker 06/22/2014 at 2:32 AM

    Look out for those two-legged bitches, for sure. 😉

  5. ocdreader 06/25/2014 at 4:10 PM

    I wish my dog could talk. It would make it a lot easier to know when he is barking for squeezy vs yelling at the kids riding skateboards.

  6. Alexandra Shytsman (@AlexShytsman) 06/26/2014 at 3:40 AM

    I like that you decided that dog uses the word ‘walkies’.

    Thought you might like this: http://weknowmemes.com/2012/10/what-if-i-never-find-out-whos-a-good-boy-pug/

  7. Anna 06/29/2014 at 12:06 AM

    Oh God, I love him and I would totally let him sniff my butt.

    Go on, Sniff it.

  8. David Stringer 07/08/2014 at 1:56 AM

    Awww, dog sounds like such a good boy. I hope Master appreciates his efforts.

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