Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Justin Bieber’s diary

justin bieberDear diary

Last week mummy bought me a pet rabbit as a surprise for being such a good boy and because she said rabbits are really cute.  The rabbit is really funny and likes to run around in circles and I have named him Playboy after seeing a picture of a lady in a bunny costume on a magazine that daddy sometimes takes with him into the toilet.  For some reason he always spends a long time in there and comes out all red faced and has to go for a sleep-sleep afterwards.

I put the rabbit on my bed and he started doing lots of poos that look like raisins and then he started eating them probably because raisins are really nice.  I decided to copy him and did a poo on the bed and tried to eat it but it tasted like peanuts and got stuck in the roof of my mouth.  When mummy came in and saw me she started shouting and said a word that began with ‘c’ but definitely wasn’t ‘cute’ which is what she says to the rabbit and I did a cry.

Yesterday I let the rabbit out and he was running around and did a big wee on the carpet that smelled like Sugar Puffs but he didn’t try to eat it which was weird because Sugar Puffs are the best ever cereal.  I wanted to give him some of my favourite juice but mummy told me not to and then I tried to see if he wanted to play on my Xbox but he started biting the controller and now the joysticks don’t work properly which means all the angry people do swears at me when I play online which makes me do a cry.

Seeing as its winter I thought he might be cold so I gave him some of my clothes but I accidentally dropped my belt on his head and he stopped moving and now mummy says we have to take him to the vets for a special injection.  I remember when I had a special injection at school and they gave me a sticker to wear afterwards so I hope Playboy doesn’t mind if his fur gets all sticky.

12 responses to “Justin Bieber’s diary

  1. No Blog Intended 03/03/2014 at 10:09 AM

    Some people’s life is just tragic… And disgusting.

  2. Addie 03/03/2014 at 3:31 PM

    I had just put a bite of my breakfast in my mouth when I read the poo part.

    I salute you sir, for forcing yogurt out my nose due to laughter.

  3. gingerfightback 03/03/2014 at 5:06 PM

    He’s a lad isn’t he!

  4. Anna 03/03/2014 at 7:08 PM

    I thought you were in prison? Anyway, I have a few tips for you:
    1. Only eat poop in private
    2. Sugar Puff wee can be resolved by pig insulin and/or sexual harassment
    3. Get ready for a lot of sexual harassment in prison, whether you have Sugar Puff wee or not

  5. Lily 03/04/2014 at 3:48 AM

    Ewww haah. I like to imagine that he really talks and thinks like this even though he’s actually 20 years old haha.

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