Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Hulk Hogan reviews a tin of Heinz baked beans

HulkHoganAs some of ya’ll already know, I’ve been struggling to make ends meet since I retired from the ring as no-one’s willing to sponsor me no more. Turns out that demand for a large fella who can suffocate small children in between his thighs is dwindling; I’ve had rejection letters from just about everyone, including Nike, Adidas, and even them people who make that Vaseline stuff. That last one hurt real bad seeing as how much of it I’ve used over the years.

Things are so bad that I’ve had to resort to buying tinned foods just to keep my energy levels up, which brings me onto today’s breakfast – baked beans.

Now I’ve never been much of a reader but the instructions on how to open this gosh-darn tin are mighty hard to read, so mayhaps one of y’all can gimme a hand? Oh, silly me, I had it all upside down! And now looky, there’s one of them ringy pull things staring right up at me. Why’d they have to hide it away like that, folks get all confused with such trickery.

Okay, now that the lid’s off I can see some little cocoon things swimming around in some kind of red goo. Now, I guess that thems are the beans but they’re far too small for me to get hold of so I’ll have to use a cocktail stick to jab ’em before they start hatching. Hmmm, they taste kinda squishy; kinda nice; but also kinda cold and, if I’m honest, I prefer a hot breakfast to a cold one.  Let me just pour them into my pants for a minute, there’s plenty of warm down there.

Gosh darn it, the goo is starting to seep through the spandex!  Gimme a sec while I scoop it all back out and finish it off in one go.  Okay, well, this time it was much warmer but there were several crunchy little hairs mixed up with the sauce. I’m not sure where they came from but it was like eating raw spaghetti… and boy, do I like my spaghetti!

Well, it has to be said, these baked beans ain’t half bad. I think I might give the barbecue frankfurters a try next week.

21 responses to “Hulk Hogan reviews a tin of Heinz baked beans

  1. J.R.Barker 01/07/2014 at 9:22 AM

    You never cease in making me go eww.

  2. No Blog Intended 01/07/2014 at 9:46 AM

    That was… gross, actually… And that picture is kinda scary!

    So I guess you succeeded :).

  3. M T McGuire 01/07/2014 at 11:05 AM

    A big disgusting, my teeth are all sort of jiggedy at the thought of pubic floss…. uregh….



  4. M T McGuire 01/07/2014 at 11:06 AM

    Oh wank, I meant a bit disgusting. Curse this bloody iPad. ‘Big’ is a typo.

  5. NotAPunkRocker 01/07/2014 at 2:54 PM

    Do we take the ‘roids before or after?

  6. Addie 01/07/2014 at 10:59 PM

    I kept saying: OMG–giggle–OMG–giggle

    Well done, sir.

  7. El Guapo 01/08/2014 at 5:37 PM

    Thanks, I think I’ll stick with white bread right from the bag from now on.

  8. David Stringer 01/10/2014 at 5:27 PM

    Haha, think I’ll be worrying about my beans hatching from now on! And possibly watching out for elderly wrestler’s pubic hairs…

  9. ocdreader 01/15/2014 at 4:17 PM

    I have been meaning to tell Mr Hogan not to warm up those frankfurters in his pants, any confusion could be dangerous…

  10. Lily 01/16/2014 at 6:39 PM

    Gah this post reminds me of how stupid Hulk Hogan is. He had this awful reality show starring him and his dumb family. It was pretty terrible. I do like imagining him eating baked beans though. He’s so shiny!

  11. ignorantthings 02/23/2014 at 10:53 PM

    I’m surprisingly hungry for beans now.

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