Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Former WWF wrestler Hulk Hogan on the politics of citrus fruits

HulkHoganHey guys, it’s the Hulkster here!

Anyone else a fan of camping? I tells you, I love the entire experience – from the moment I lace up my thick leather walking boots, I look forward to that moment at the end of the day when I get to suffocate a small animal with my bare hands so it can be cooked on an open fire.

I remember I once forgot to pack my mallet, meaning I had nothing to bang the tent pegs in with. Luckily, I discovered that I could headbutt the cheeky little varmints into the ground and I’ve never bothered packing a mallet since then!

Now, after a hard day’s hiking around under the hot summer sun, there’s no better fruit to refresh yourself with than a satsuma. Not a lot of people agree, but as far as I’m concerned the satsuma is the best of all the citrus fruits that humanity has so far discovered, yet it’s the orange that tends to get all the praise and popularity these days.  If you ask me, the orange is nothing more than a bully and can be a real mean son of a bitch to get into. I can make mincemeat out of a can of Dr Pepper, but for the life of me I can’t get into an orange without all the pips getting stuck in my ‘tache.

Limes ain’t too bad but they’re green and remind me of Brussels sprouts, which give me real bad indigestion and I don’t like having bad guts when I’m out in the middle of nowhere.

And lemons? Lemons are right sneaky assholes, constantly waiting for the right moment to squirt a bit of juice in your eye when you’re least expecting it. Hell, I remember the last time it happened to me I nearly passed out – getting a dollop of the bitter stuff down your Japseye ain’t no fun and I’ve been wary of handling lemons at bedtime ever since.

A sattsy, though? Thems are lovely things and they’re great for sharing around with your buddies. Whilst everyone else is guzzling down a Budweiser or two, me and the family are in the corner enjoying a delightful array of satsuma segments. Even the pets like a quick nibble on them, though you gotta be careful; I once petted next door’s dog a bit too hard and accidentally caved the poor little mite’s skull in.

Sometimes, I just don’t know my own strength.

15 responses to “Former WWF wrestler Hulk Hogan on the politics of citrus fruits

  1. ocdreader 08/28/2013 at 4:12 PM

    lemons are right sneaky! They live next door in my neighbor’s yard and I keep on constant patrol against them finding their way to my house. Drool inducing

  2. Tiana (@TianaKaiMiami) 08/28/2013 at 8:27 PM

    Haha, I’m digging these. This is the first time to your blog, read Alf’s poor love story and now this! I once met Da Hulk at a fancy pants car event in Miami. I asked him to carry me for a photo op, he declined. Do you know how shameful it was getting rejected by THE Hulk? I’m either too fat for him to carry or…or I had a lemon in my hand and he freaked out!

  3. Addie 08/28/2013 at 9:18 PM

    Michael, I do love your versions of other people’s lives. I look forward to what you envision Baby George is thinking.

  4. Mammasaurus 08/28/2013 at 10:05 PM

    *chuckles* he needs a tache hammock then all would be dandy in da orange hood

  5. Pingback: Former WWF wrestler Hulk Hogan on the politics of citrus fruits

  6. Lily 08/29/2013 at 6:48 AM

    Ewww Japseye….lol. I’d never heard that term before. Learn something new everyday! Thanks for that Michael!

  7. Anna 09/02/2013 at 1:26 PM

    Satsumas make me sick, with all their stringy bits of malformed skin, and hidden seed things inside their very core. That thing come to my house, I kill it.

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