Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Alf Stewart from Home and Away talks about romance

G’day, mates! Alf Stewart here.alf stewart

Now, as a proud no-nonsense Australian who doesn’t take a dingo bat’s whisker of nonsense from anyone, you can imagine how cheesed off I was when I found out that the old wife-aroo has been having an affair behind my back. Although I’ll be the first to admit that I’m perhaps a little hard on the silly little strumpetty slap, that’s still no excuse for her to go galloping off into the arms of the first two-bit dingo mongrel head that’s willing to blow a kind word and a compliment up her skirt.

“Oh, you don’t understand me!” is what she claimed when I spoke to her on the phone. Well, too damned right I don’t understand you, you bloody wombat! How am I supposed to know you don’t like it when I let rip with a heavy stonker from my backside if you don’t tell me? I’m no bloody mind reader, no matter what those carpet munching women’s magazines say. And what, exactly, is the problem with me checking out the young girl next door when she’s out sunbathing in the garden? That’s one fine pair of tambourines she’s got tucked up down under that blouse of hers, and I’m man enough to admit that I’d love nothing more than to take her backstage of Sydney Opera House and show her how a real man bangs away on a percussion instrument.

Since then, I’ve been doing what any bloke would do under the circumstances: whatever the hell damned hell of damn I want.  At first I went into town and took in a few titty bars just to get the old didgeridoo back in action, but I had to stop all that when I caught sight of my little niece up on the main stage.  I tell you, that was creepier than a dingo’s backside that’s been stuffed full of creepy crawlies and I hope to hell that she washes her hands before she slaps any more shrimps on any unsuspecting barbies – the flaming smell would carry for miles around, attracting God only knows what type of dirty dingo mongrels from all around here.

Mate, this world has gone to shit.  Dingo shit.

7 responses to “Alf Stewart from Home and Away talks about romance

  1. No Blog Intended 08/22/2013 at 10:36 AM

    All those metaphors! They’re mind blowing.
    The world has gone dingo shit indeed.

  2. Addie 08/22/2013 at 3:45 PM

    Without trying to write in a dialect, you manage to portray one beautifully. I had a right good laugh! Keep us in the loop of how this adventure moves along, would you?

    • Michael Cargill 08/22/2013 at 3:52 PM

      I was actually worried that hardly anyone would know who Alf Stewart is… but I guess the Aussie stereotype works no matter where you’re from!

      I reckon this character has got legs, might use him again.

  3. imavoraciousreader 08/22/2013 at 8:08 PM

    I thought this was going to be about ALF, that furry alien from the 80s tv show though I didn’t think he had a last name. I have no idea who Alf Stewart is, but if he lets rip heavy stonkers, I’m glad he’s way down under. Wait…which way are the trade winds blowing?

  4. Pingback: 6 Of The Best: Week 7

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