Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Justin Bieber’s diary

justin bieberDear diary

This morning I woke up and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth like mummy always tells me to do. Last night she told me that I was a big boy so I decided it was time to use a big boy’s toothbrush rather than the Buzz Lightyear one I got for my birthday.  I started brushing the way daddy taught me but for some reason it really hurted and my gums started bleeding.  Then mummy came in and shouted at me for putting the toilet brush in my mouth and when I asked her why the toothpaste tasted all nutty she sent me to my room and I did a cry.

In the afternoon I decided to play a game where I pretended to be an animal living on a farm. I got some of daddy’s porridge oats and poured them into mummy’s handbag and put it round my head so that I had a nosebag like a horse does when the farmer feeds him but the bag got stuck and I couldn’t see so I tripped over a hosepipe and got tangled up and I thought a snake was attacking me.  This almost made me do a cry but then I remembered that snakes don’t live on farms and everything was okay again apart from the bag that was still stuck on my head.

The other day I drawed a picture of some birdies and when I looked out the window there were birdies eating worms in the garden. I went out to show them my picture but I don’t think they liked it because they all flied away whenever I got near them. I put some bread on my head and stood as still as a statue but none of the birds wanted to be my friend and I did a cry which scared them away again.

Later on in the evening I went to play on my Nintendo but it wasn’t there and I did a cry because I thought the birdies had stolen it but then mummy said she moved it when she was tidying up and so everything was okay again.

12 responses to “Justin Bieber’s diary

  1. No Blog Intended 08/01/2013 at 11:13 AM

    O god, I will never be able again to brush my teeth without thinking of this…
    Good thing he has a diary though, to help him deal with everything, you know. Hard life and stuff.

  2. beckyday6 08/01/2013 at 3:02 PM

    A toilet brush!!!! Oh lordy…. bad, very bad.

    The oats thing was actually a pretty innovative idea for a kid playing, I’m surprised I never thought of that one when I was younger, LOL!

    Your Justin Bieber posts are always my favourites.

    • Michael Cargill 08/03/2013 at 5:01 PM

      Pah, all the hard work I put into thinking up new stuff and it’s the posts that are written like an eight year old’s diary that everyone likes best.


  3. A Voracious Reader 08/01/2013 at 6:42 PM

    If I was a bird I would have landed on his head, ate the bread then crapped all over him. What’s wrong with those birds? The opportunity was handed to them. *shakes head sadly*

  4. M T McGuire 08/03/2013 at 4:26 PM

    Mwah ha hahargh! The Nutty bits! Gak… I have just listed your online author sites as “where to stalk Michael Cargill on the internet” so I’m gutted to come here and find you’ve already done that joke. Never mind. I’ve signed up anyway.



  5. Anna 08/06/2013 at 7:34 AM

    The toilet brush part made me piss myself, which is oddly appropriate. Oh, that Justin Beiber. I do hope he accidentally comes across these one day.

  6. El Guapo 08/13/2013 at 8:10 PM

    His lawyers are going to disect you in court for putting his thoughts on line.
    I say that because from what I’ve seen, there’s no way I can believe these are satire, and not his own authentic recollections and musings.

    Though I expect he’ll be selling monagrammed brushes (Toileeth brushes? Toothlet brushes?) to get over the trauma.

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