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- RT @TheTopoftheD: As the Women’s World Cup starts this week, I’ve written this for @TheHockeyPaper. I suspect it might not be as popular… 1 month ago
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
The other morning I woke up and saw that it was sunny outside so I thought summer had arrived but then I did a sneeze which made me feel all cold so mummy told me to put a jumper on. I went out into the garden to play on my big blue slide but there was a pigeon on it and I had to wait until he flew away. I once heard daddy say that pigeons are like flying rats and I don’t like rats because I heard they eat children and live in the sewers with all the poo. I hope there isn’t any poo on my slide because mummy would shout at me if my trousers got dirty and I sometimes do a cry when she shouts.
When it was time for lunch mummy asked me if I wanted the alphabet or the dinosaur spaghetti shapes and straight away I chose the dinosaurs. I like dinosaurs because they are big and strong and can go to bed whenever they want to. Afterwards I did a big windy-pop that smelled like pickled onions and lemonade. Mummy asked if it was me who did it and I said that it was and then she asked if I was sorry and I said that I was and then she told me not to do it again so I didn’t.
I went outside on my bike and rode around in a circle really fast. I started to get really dizzy and then I fell off and hurt my knee so mummy came out and kissed it better and put a plaster on it. I went on my bike again but this time went round the other way and I got dizzy again and fell over and hurt my other knee. Mummy came out and shouted at me and wouldn’t kiss it better but she put a plaster on it and said it will get better by itself. I hope my unkissed knee does get better because if it fell off it would be really hard for the doctors to put it back on again.
If I was a dinosaur I would be a four-legged dinosaur because they can’t fall over and hurt their knees although I don’t think they can ride bikes either.