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Michael Cargill
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Justin Bieber’s diary
Posted by on 05/20/2013
Dear diary
The other morning I woke up and saw that it was sunny outside so I thought summer had arrived but then I did a sneeze which made me feel all cold so mummy told me to put a jumper on. I went out into the garden to play on my big blue slide but there was a pigeon on it and I had to wait until he flew away. I once heard daddy say that pigeons are like flying rats and I don’t like rats because I heard they eat children and live in the sewers with all the poo. I hope there isn’t any poo on my slide because mummy would shout at me if my trousers got dirty and I sometimes do a cry when she shouts.
When it was time for lunch mummy asked me if I wanted the alphabet or the dinosaur spaghetti shapes and straight away I chose the dinosaurs. I like dinosaurs because they are big and strong and can go to bed whenever they want to. Afterwards I did a big windy-pop that smelled like pickled onions and lemonade. Mummy asked if it was me who did it and I said that it was and then she asked if I was sorry and I said that I was and then she told me not to do it again so I didn’t.
I went outside on my bike and rode around in a circle really fast. I started to get really dizzy and then I fell off and hurt my knee so mummy came out and kissed it better and put a plaster on it. I went on my bike again but this time went round the other way and I got dizzy again and fell over and hurt my other knee. Mummy came out and shouted at me and wouldn’t kiss it better but she put a plaster on it and said it will get better by itself. I hope my unkissed knee does get better because if it fell off it would be really hard for the doctors to put it back on again.
If I was a dinosaur I would be a four-legged dinosaur because they can’t fall over and hurt their knees although I don’t think they can ride bikes either.
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I love Justin Bieber’s diary!
I just found out he got booed at some recent music award. I’m staying tuned to find out why.
I read that when he went to visit the Anne Frank museum in Amsterdam, he wrote in the visitors book “Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.”
What a dick,
Is this thee mike cargill ?
Is that Mr Lamont of former Group IS fame…?
How the devil are you? And how did you find me?
Still eating mounds of tuna and chicken for lunch?
The windy poo section made me chortle. And, I read the same thing about him in the museum, only I thought he’d said it…let me check. Let’s pause while I Google.
(Pausing)
You are correct, sir! The arsehole actually wrote that in the guest book.
We should all shout at him until he goes away.
Justin Bieber’s diary is one of my favorites. It’s almost as good as Anne Frank’s. Almost.