Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Justin Bieber’s diary

justin bieberDear diary

The other morning I woke up and saw that it was sunny outside so I thought summer had arrived but then I did a sneeze which made me feel all cold so mummy told me to put a jumper on.  I went out into the garden to play on my big blue slide but there was a pigeon on it and I had to wait until he flew away.  I once heard daddy say that pigeons are like flying rats and I don’t like rats because I heard they eat children and live in the sewers with all the poo.  I hope there isn’t any poo on my slide because mummy would shout at me if my trousers got dirty and I sometimes do a cry when she shouts.

When it was time for lunch mummy asked me if I wanted the alphabet or the dinosaur spaghetti shapes and straight away I chose the dinosaurs.  I like dinosaurs because they are big and strong and can go to bed whenever they want to.  Afterwards I did a big windy-pop that smelled like pickled onions and lemonade.  Mummy asked if it was me who did it and I said that it was and then she asked if I was sorry and I said that I was and then she told me not to do it again so I didn’t.

I went outside on my bike and rode around in a circle really fast.  I started to get really dizzy and then I fell off and hurt my knee so mummy came out and kissed it better and put a plaster on it.  I went on my bike again but this time went round the other way and I got dizzy again and fell over and hurt my other knee.  Mummy came out and shouted at me and wouldn’t kiss it better but she put a plaster on it and said it will get better by itself.  I hope my unkissed knee does get better because if it fell off it would be really hard for the doctors to put it back on again.

If I was a dinosaur I would be a four-legged dinosaur because they can’t fall over and hurt their knees although I don’t think they can ride bikes either.

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7 responses to “Justin Bieber’s diary

  1. A Gripping Life 05/20/2013 at 11:09 AM

    I love Justin Bieber’s diary!
    I just found out he got booed at some recent music award. I’m staying tuned to find out why.

    • Michael Cargill 05/20/2013 at 7:58 PM

      I read that when he went to visit the Anne Frank museum in Amsterdam, he wrote in the visitors book “Anne was a great girl. ­Hopefully she would have been a belieber.”

      What a dick,

  2. Dan lamont 05/20/2013 at 5:20 PM

    Is this thee mike cargill ?

  3. Addie 05/20/2013 at 8:39 PM

    The windy poo section made me chortle. And, I read the same thing about him in the museum, only I thought he’d said it…let me check. Let’s pause while I Google.

    (Pausing)

    You are correct, sir! The arsehole actually wrote that in the guest book.

  4. Lily 06/19/2013 at 6:25 AM

    Justin Bieber’s diary is one of my favorites. It’s almost as good as Anne Frank’s. Almost.

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