Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Celebrity catchup with Tom Cruise

tom cruiseOh, you’re early!  Sorry, let me just step into my high heels first.  Ah, and if you could just stand on the lower step over there… that’s better.  So, how are we all today?  I’m fine, thanks.  I can see that you’re admiring all the Katie Holmes statues I’ve got lying about the place, and I’m proud to say that I’ve got one in every room of this house.  And why not?  She’s a real corker, and we were married not so long ago.  I’m not usually one to boast, but this one time I even had sex with her!  Beat that!  She was in a different room to me at the time, but I was concentrating really hard at the time so it still counts.

By the way, would you like something to eat?  I had a fresh delivery of rations from the Church of Scientology last week, so there’s plenty to go round.  Each box comes with its own spoon, and a small prayer scroll for you to read through during your meal.  I like to call them scrolls of wisdom, as they remind me of the wizard spells from that Dungeons and Dragons board game I used to play as a kid.  Katie wasn’t a fan of the scrolls for some reason, and it’s one of the reasons why we got a divorce.  In fact, it’s only thanks to these scrolls that I even got to have sex with her that one time.  She’s still none the wiser!

Okay, well I’m full now.  Just to let you know, I can’t let you take anything home with you.  The box, the spoon, and any leftovers all have to be incinerated and then sent up into space, as per Church rules.  You can keep the scroll though, that’s yours forever.

By the way, if you tell anyone about my high heels, there’ll be trouble.  You saw me wrestling with Oprah Winfrey on TV, right?  She’s actually a witch, yet it took merely one scroll of wisdom to subdue her.  You might think you’re big and tough with that one scroll, but I’ve got loads of them out the back.

Oh, and if you see Katie could you remind her that she’s still got one of my spoons?  The Church wants it back.


25 responses to “Celebrity catchup with Tom Cruise

  1. breezyk 10/15/2012 at 11:54 AM

    Are you a South Park fan? Have you seen the infamous “Tom Cruise and John Travolta won’t come out of the closet” episode? I could only find this crappy clip for you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VL9Pft7HoB8

    But you get the idea. He was so angry he staged a campaign to stop it from being rerun. Guess he’s serious about the whole high heel business!

    • Michael Cargill 10/20/2012 at 6:00 PM

      I’ve watched the occasional South Park episode, and I find the annoying voices puts me off. The storylines people tell me about sound funny, though.

      The Cruiser is an oddball!

  2. Julie Rainey 10/15/2012 at 1:34 PM

    Darnit, I have to give the spoon back?

  3. A Gripping Life 10/15/2012 at 3:32 PM

    haha! It’s hard to imagine the wealth that Tom Cruise has accrued all whilst being completely crazy. Only the film industry would embrace someone like him. He’s total Loony Tunes. (part of me actually likes him, I know, I must be sick.)

  4. Pete Howorth 10/15/2012 at 7:29 PM

    Good ole Tommy C, remember when he was on Top Gear? Surprised he didn’t get a few jabs from Clarkson.

  5. Anna 10/15/2012 at 8:13 PM

    No! It’s my spoon. I have drawn a face on it and have done terrible, terrible things with it. I have earned the right to keep, and smell, this spoon.

  6. beckyday6 10/15/2012 at 10:33 PM

    Hahaaa ha. Tom Cruise, I’ve always thought he was extremely weird. Nice work!

  7. The Creative Outpost 10/16/2012 at 2:37 PM

    Perfect! You are hired to help me direct my movie:) Sincerely, MessyTom

  8. Mooselicker 10/18/2012 at 9:45 PM

    Who is this Tom Cruise guy? He sounds mentally disabled.

  9. kickingsport 10/20/2012 at 5:21 PM

    Michael, could you please ask Tom if a sequel to “Cocktail” is on the way? I really liked that film!

  10. Lily 10/31/2012 at 5:30 PM

    Tom Cruise is so crazy. But I will agree with my mom in that he is still shockingly likeable in his movies. At least I think so. I like the short jokes. So perfect!

  11. Pingback: Celebrity catchup with Tom Cruise « Michael Cargill | Love All Blogs

  12. Little Miss 11/23/2012 at 8:12 PM

    I’m curious as to what Katie is doing with one of his spoons. Perhaps the closest he has gotten to spooning her.
    That sex sounds way better than any I get!

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