- The worst thing about women's football is Jonathan fucking Pearce. 1 day ago
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Celebrity catchup with Tom Cruise
10/15/2012Posted by on
Oh, you’re early! Sorry, let me just step into my high heels first. Ah, and if you could just stand on the lower step over there… that’s better. So, how are we all today? I’m fine, thanks. I can see that you’re admiring all the Katie Holmes statues I’ve got lying about the place, and I’m proud to say that I’ve got one in every room of this house. And why not? She’s a real corker, and we were married not so long ago. I’m not usually one to boast, but this one time I even had sex with her! Beat that! She was in a different room to me at the time, but I was concentrating really hard at the time so it still counts.
By the way, would you like something to eat? I had a fresh delivery of rations from the Church of Scientology last week, so there’s plenty to go round. Each box comes with its own spoon, and a small prayer scroll for you to read through during your meal. I like to call them scrolls of wisdom, as they remind me of the wizard spells from that Dungeons and Dragons board game I used to play as a kid. Katie wasn’t a fan of the scrolls for some reason, and it’s one of the reasons why we got a divorce. In fact, it’s only thanks to these scrolls that I even got to have sex with her that one time. She’s still none the wiser!
Okay, well I’m full now. Just to let you know, I can’t let you take anything home with you. The box, the spoon, and any leftovers all have to be incinerated and then sent up into space, as per Church rules. You can keep the scroll though, that’s yours forever.
By the way, if you tell anyone about my high heels, there’ll be trouble. You saw me wrestling with Oprah Winfrey on TV, right? She’s actually a witch, yet it took merely one scroll of wisdom to subdue her. You might think you’re big and tough with that one scroll, but I’ve got loads of them out the back.
Oh, and if you see Katie could you remind her that she’s still got one of my spoons? The Church wants it back.