Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Steve Dog writes 50 Shades of Grey, for blokes

Oy oy, saveloy. Steve Dog here and I have to say I’ve been propefistr busy lately. A man’s world is never finished and I’m living proof of that fact. If I’m not working on a business venture of one kind or another, then I’m out making sure people ain’t taking the piss. It was only last week that I heard some aggro going on outside my gaff and I had to go and put a stop to some teenage mischief.

Not too long ago I was relaxing in my front room when some woman came on the telly. Normally I don’t take much notice of what women have to say ‘cos it’s usually about shoes or wasps or something. Anyway, this chubby bird, she was called E.L. James and was talking about some book she had wrote called 50 Shades of Grey. From what I could make out it seems that it’s like a porno mag but with words instead of pictures. Sounds a bit rubbish but somehow she has made a bloody fortune ‘cos them womens are loving it.

Now, I’ve written a few books meself and you may have heard of ‘em. My most famous was Uniforms for Bouncers: How to wear a suit and tie without looking like a ponce, though my personal favourite is Time Management and Prudence: Buy new cutlery instead of spending money on a dishwasher. I’ve decided to have a crack at this word porn thing and here’s a chunk of what I’ve done so far. It’s aimed at blokes rather than womens ‘cos that’s my main area of expertise, like:

“Dave came home from work feeling a bit tired but not too tired to have a quick look at some porno websites. The lads had been talking about some new Swedish site that was now up and running and he wanted to check it out. For dinner he was planning on having a variety of bacon sandwiches (one with brown sauce, one with red sauce, and one with both) and then maybe a sausage roll for dessert. He had been down the racetrack all day using a drill, a hammer, and several other industrial power tools so his day had been 100% manly. Anyway, he closed his front door and immediately noticed something different: the place didn’t smell of farts like it usually did, but of perfume and he could see why. Right there in front of him was some Swedish woman, completely naked, doing all kinds of sexy faces at him. She blatantly wanted it that was for sure and Dave got stuck in right away, no messing about. She didn’t even ask him to light any candles or anything either. She had a massive pair of tits and they did all three positions and she even let him spurt all over her face. Dave was the sensitive type so he taught her how to say ‘blowjob’ in English to save her the indignation of having to do hand signals all the time.
Did I mention her tits? They were massive.”

Good stuff so far, yeah? It’s proper erotic and destined for some top awards. Probably a few top shelves as well actually.


29 responses to “Steve Dog writes 50 Shades of Grey, for blokes

  1. A Gripping Life 07/09/2012 at 2:06 PM

    Sorry, Steve Dog, not my cup of tea.

  2. Pete Howorth 07/09/2012 at 3:13 PM

    AHAHAHAHA! This has made my f’n day! This needs to be your next novel.

  3. beckyday6 07/09/2012 at 3:34 PM

    Hahaa ha! Ohh the stupididty of Fifty Shades of Grey, you mock it perfectly.Have you seen this? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKWIqRAW_WI It’s also a pretty accurate mockery that shows how stupid it is.

  4. Addie 07/09/2012 at 6:52 PM

    AHAHAHAHAHA!! I read the first book, and, to call it stupid is a crime and an insult to stupidity.

  5. The Creative Outpost 07/09/2012 at 6:58 PM

    Oh my, we are going to have to get you reading some proper literature for description purposes. May I suggest a historical romance to get you started. Hehe!

  6. Mooselicker 07/09/2012 at 9:28 PM

    I don’t know about anyone else but I’m game for anything. Before reading this I was cold and frigid. Now I want to be humiliated by a woman in high heels.

  7. Julie Rainey 07/09/2012 at 10:40 PM

    hehehe 🙂 What’s with all the porn for women lately? 50 Shades of Grey, Magic Mike, etc. Those girls need to get some.

  8. ocdreader 07/10/2012 at 4:47 AM

    Wow Steve, smokin hot!

  9. Anna 07/10/2012 at 12:18 PM

    I would buy this. Many, many copies.

  10. lanelord 07/10/2012 at 3:31 PM

    absolutely brilliant!

  11. No Blog Intended 07/14/2012 at 10:28 AM

    Whenever something becomes a hype, I have the natural tendance to not read/ watch/ like it… So I’ll stick with this version :).

  12. Emily 07/15/2012 at 11:55 PM

    Ugh. I nearly bought 50 shades of Grey before it got famous. It had been accidentally put in the YA section of the book shop. So glad I bothered to read the back which I don’t usually do. I think I’ll stick with this version for now

  13. noonebutabloghead 07/30/2012 at 8:12 PM

    I’ve just realised that your latest novel has a very similar name to Ms. James – I assume it was coincedental? You must be getting a load of traffic looking for her, at least…

    • Michael Cargill 07/30/2012 at 8:23 PM

      Nah, my latest one was Underneath! Shades of Grey was published back at the end of February.

      I get quite a few refunds for it on Amazon, presumably because it isn’t quite what people were expecting…!

  14. Pingback: Steve Dog writes 50 Shades of Grey, for blokes « The Worlds On My Mind

  15. mysticfool 06/24/2015 at 4:52 PM

    Not quite the same, Steve. Let me give it a go:

    Dave had never really discussed it with his mates, because who wants to be seen as a perv, but he had a real thing for finding a full ditzy bird, tying her up with an extension cord, and waling away on her hindquarters with a meter stick. He honestly preferred them to be into it, also, but just to make sure there were no lawsuits or other unpleasantness, he usually picked them up outside of town with a false name, or, if he had to look at them again, he made them sign a confidentiality agreement he’d pulled boiler plate off Google that was all blah-blah wordy but clearly stated no one would ever breathe a word of his spare room closet come hell or high water.
    Once, he made the mistake of picking up a bird who didn’t know squat, and he couldn’t get her to sign the agreement, though he plied her with cubic zirconia and a lot of wine coolers. He just couldn’t quit her, though, he was ass over teakettle for her tits, and besides, he had a very strong feeling that she’d give him some back door action if he could convince her it was the most likely way to avoid pregnancy.
    Even though she did everything he could possibly want her to do, and he about had her on the edge of agreeing to let him set up a camera for the amateur sites, she was always going on about something or other until his brain went numb, and in order to stay awake he occupied himself thinking of new things to wale on her with that might be found at the hardware store, his second favorite place to go next to the pub.

    Because you can’t have FSOG without the kink. And giant Swedish tits are just not kinky enough, under the comparative circumstances.

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