- RT @davidwalliams: Matt & I in the first picture from our new comedy series ‘Little World’. https://t.co/gxPVfj2Y0n 1 week ago
Peeps who interviewed me
Trailer for Underneath
Trailer for Shades of Grey
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Hello, dear readers! A warm welcome to you all, with an extra warm welcome to those who are permanently bed-ridden with no chance of recovery. I trust your bedpans have been emptied and your sheets aren’t too soiled? I often get people asking me how I manage to look so fit and healthy all the time. Well, the secret is simple: cleanliness! All over my house there are alcohol-free anti-bacterial soap dispensers that I use every time I move from one room to another. It means there are no bedroom germs in my bathroom and certainly no garden shed germs in the kitchen. I always make sure to have a quick rinse and a shower after I have a bath – there is nothing worse than ruining a nice soak by standing up and covering yourself in your own muck again.
Dear Dr. Lemon
Last week, I sprained my ankle when I was doing the gardening in my high heels. This isn’t something that I normally do but I had locked myself out of the house and the secateurs where in my handbag anyway. However, no matter what medication I take, the pain and the stiffness won’t go away. What do you advise?
Ouch! Sprained ankles are indeed a nuisance not least because it can be awkward trying to balance yourself as you brush your teeth or when waving away a persistent wasp. I would recommend regular warm soapy rinses for this troublesome joint of yours. The body thrives in a clean environment, so if you happen to have a small oxygen-free tent that you can rest your foot in I suggest you make full use of it. Be sure to have a bath and a shower before leaving the house as well.
Dear Dr. Lemon
Recently, I have been suffering from awful toothache despite the fact that I rarely eat anything that is sugary or sweet. I have been to the dentist but he can’t see what is wrong. What do you advise?
Deary me that sounds terrible! A sore mouth makes it hard to order a coffee in the morning, especially when trying to explain to the server that you want them to use the specially sterilised cup that you brought out with you. First things first, make sure your wife isn’t using any cheap discounted lipstick – some of the chemicals that go into budget cosmetics are frightfully dirty. I would also recommend that you make frequent use of steamed flannels like you get in some Indian restaurants. This opens your pores up, allowing your body to cleanse itself. Lastly, make sure you keep your mouth closed whenever you have a hot shower; the steam will be chock full of grime and muck and you don’t want any of that nonsense swirling around those unbrushed molars of yours.