- RT @davidwalliams: Matt & I in the first picture from our new comedy series ‘Little World’. https://t.co/gxPVfj2Y0n 1 week ago
Peeps who interviewed me
Trailer for Underneath
Trailer for Shades of Grey
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Hello dearies, Grandma Marlow here. These days my kids are all grown up know-it-alls with big, fancy houses full of iPod this and Call of Duty that. The other day my grandson was showing me how clever he was by beating someone in a game of World of Warcraft. It was kind of impressive I guess but, to be honest, it all looked a bit amateur and fly-by-night; if there is one thing that everyone in this family will remember, it was the day I scored 365 points in one turn at Scrabble. QUIXOTRY, I salute you. Double word tiles, you and me are best friends forever. I have been the Christmas family gathering Scrabble champion ten times in a row now and not one of those so-called educated whipper snappers with their so-called Wikipedia smartboxes can get anywhere near me.
Whenever any of them come round, I can see the fear on their faces the moment they put their foot on my doorstep. Sometimes I can even smell it as the memories of a decade’s worth of defeats overwhelms them. Yeah, that’s right sweetie. Grandma’s bones might be flaking and her wings might be bingoing, but her mind is as sharp as it was way back when she used to shout wild obscenities at strangers walking past her house. You see that welcome mat you are wiping your feet on? Yeah, that’s right honey; it’s a psychological booby trap ‘cos you know and I know that you aint ever gonna manage to spell that word out on this here Scrabble board. Nuh-uh, toots. Nuh-uh.
Remember those times when you would feed your dinner to the dog when you thought I wasn’t looking? I would slave away making a nice offal bake only for you to laugh at me behind my back. Oh, and remember that time you dropped a pickled onion in my cup of tea? Well, it’s payback time baby and I aim to get my revenge thrice-fold; crack open the Scrabble DELUXE box and let’s partay ’til sundown.
You, me, FLATFISH and the triple-word score have got a jamboree to attend.