Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

A stag beetle reviews the Australian cricket team

stag beetleG’day, mate! Hehe, I love that Ozzie accent. Let’s slap another shrimp on the barbie! Oh man, I just couldn’t resist it that time. Them Ozzers are just mad. So lively. So loud. So utterly and compellingly racist. I guess that’s what happens when you are stuck down there on a crappy island in the Pacific Ocean with nothing but deadly insects and rubbish sports to keep you entertained. Not that there is anything wrong with insects of course; in fact, if I’m honest I don’t mind cricket too much either. And the whole racism thing – who isn’t just a teensy bit territorial and suspicious of outsiders? I tell you, if a woodlouse snuck into my hole under the stairs and tried to cosy up in my lump of belly-button fluff I would tell him to clear off.

Right then. Ever since Shane Warne quit as Australia’s best bowler so that he could spend more time getting plastic surgery done on his face, the Australian cricket team just ain’t been the same. Where are the characters? What happened to all the fun pranks like setting fire to the team bus and then shagging your own sister in the middle of the road? Back in the day I used to love crawling out to the middle of the field after a game had finished. When they removed the stumps from the ground there was always a nice round hole for me to sleep in. Obviously I had to be on the lookout for owls ‘cos they’re greedy buggers who love to gobble up little bugs for a quick snack, but once I was there I was happy as a Larry on shit. Sometimes the woodlice would ask if they could come in as well but I just told them there was no way they were getting anywhere near my hole. No way hozay, no way.

Anyone remember Merv Hughes? He was a legend back in the 1980s although he couldn’t actually bat for shit; people only liked him because of that crazy moustache of his. It sort of made him look like a sex pest but boy did he look fierce!

I was always paranoid that a bowler would mistake me for a cricket ball and send me flying through the air at Merv. My concern was not so much about having my guts splattered all over the place but because Merv was rubbish. The hairy oaf would probably miss and then I would land slapbang in the middle of his hairy lip – the mere thought of those testosterone-filled tendrils scrabbling around my backside gives me the creeps.

Mind you his scent would be good for warding off woodlice.

26 responses to “A stag beetle reviews the Australian cricket team

  1. sadieforsythe 05/17/2012 at 9:45 AM

    Priceless, as always.

  2. No Blog Intended 05/17/2012 at 10:09 AM

    Who knew cricket teams were so wild?
    And who knew how hard life is for a stag beetle? (Although I feel a bit sorry for the woodlice as well.)

  3. Julie Rainey 05/17/2012 at 2:15 PM

    Ah, such is the life of a beetle….:)

  4. jeanettehornby 05/17/2012 at 2:36 PM

    Whoa! Racist? Crappy island in the Pacific Ocean? Deadly insects? Rubbish Sport? Not my perception of the country. And I live here!

  5. gurusatap 05/17/2012 at 2:49 PM

    bracatona picture? kwangwung, dalam Bahasa Indonesia. He.he.. 🙂

  6. Lily 05/17/2012 at 4:57 PM

    I like the stag beetle. He really knows what’s up. When I went to Sydney, I saw some weird minor league rugby team play called the South Sydney Rabbitohs. So weird.

  7. A Gripping Life 05/17/2012 at 10:18 PM

    Who knew Stag Beetles were so knowledgeable? I didn’t. I thought they were crunchy little brainless insects that fed on rotting wood. I stand corrected.

  8. Mooselicker 05/17/2012 at 11:39 PM

    Do you think of some random thing that people enjoy (Australian cricket) then look around the room for a person or object to review it (stag beetle)? I guess that wouldn’t make sense since you had Putin reviewing Coke. I don’t think he ever crawled across your kitchen floor.

  9. Addie 05/18/2012 at 12:59 AM

    I keep thinking of the squished beetle on the mustache and then I say “EWEWEWEW!”

    Well done.

  10. lubnafromindia 05/21/2012 at 8:45 AM

    LOL. Loved this post.

  11. Love All Blogs / Mammasaurus 05/22/2012 at 8:20 AM

    I like to watch cricket purely for the puerile kicks that I get from the commentary sometimes. Any combo of wood, crease, whacking and rubbing his ball gets my vote.

  12. Karen 05/25/2012 at 7:04 PM

    You’ve been nominated for the Beautiful Blogger award mwah 🙂


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