A Walmart store does your horoscopes

Hey there my little humanoid friends, how are you? I’m sad to say that it’s been fairly mundane for most of this week – other than a family of uglies who were desperate for an extra-large bag of cheesy sticks and a Harry Potter book, no-one has done anything outlandish so far. Mind you, that family were all in their pyjamas so I guess I get extra points for that. They wanted to pay for everything in vouchers as well, bleurgh! Call me old fashioned but I prefer my tills being filled with hard cash; there’s less chance of a coin being used as toilet paper.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

You know when your backdoors suddenly stop working for no reason? One morning you just wake up and the buggers won’t budge, no matter how much you prod and poke at them. Yep, that’s right, you got constipation and I recommend you give the GO-NOW ex-lax tablets a shot. Aisle 14, shelf 5.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

I’m feeling generous so if you are moving house this week I will let you borrow one of the shopping trolleys that have been left stranded out in the car park. Don’t go abusing this offer though – I don’t want you returning it with a wobbly wheel or using it as a BBQ grill. And if I catch you dumping it in a river I’ll come and break your legs. Capiche?

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Those damn kids have been at the fire extinguishers again and got water everywhere. I swear, one day I will refill them with fart gas and THEN we will see who has the last laugh. Anyway, if you need to mop up any spills then I recommend the tea towels as they are on offer at the moment. They are right next to the beef jerky corn dogs over on aisle 20.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Argh, who knocked down that big stack of baked beans? I bet it was that miserable git in the wheelchair again, he’s a disgrace to humanity and I swear he steals things as well. If you need legal advice, check out the ambulance chaser who hovers around the toilet waiting for someone to slip over. And stop looking at me, I hate you.