Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

‘I want to be a battering ram when I grow up’ says billiards cue

Smashpool cue

An ambitious young billiards cue has spoken of his “Burning desire,” to quite literally “Be at the head of dawn raids all across the country. All you perps out there had better watch out ‘cos I might be smashing your back doors in soon. The moment that back-and-forward motion starts I get a rush of blood to the head. Ask anyone from around here, there ain’t no stopping me once I get going. I don’t even blink at the point of impact, I want to see the whites of your eyes.”

The cue, who currently resides in a pub in Walthamstow, said that he first got the idea “When a pirate version of Lord of the Rings was being shown on the TV in the bar. There was this bit where the ogres where using a massive log to smash a castle door down. It was so exciting watching as the battering ram worked his way right inside and was shouting at all the perps. He had definitely done it before, he was such a pro.”


The cue told us “I can’t wait to get out of this place as it’s full of scumbags. Once I just lying there on the beize, minding my own business, when someone threw up on me. I had only just had a fresh bit of chalk put on my head, it was humiliating. Sometimes I can still hear the screams of the pool table in my sleep and just thinking about it makes my skin crawl.”

“It wasn’t always like this. I remember when I first lived here, every night was an adventure. The boys would look me up and down and hold me towards the light to see how straight I was. I was full of confidence back then. They would stroke and caress me like I was their own.”

“Then they would let me headbutt the shit out of the cue ball all night. It was marvellous.”

27 responses to “‘I want to be a battering ram when I grow up’ says billiards cue

  1. A Gripping Life 04/23/2012 at 1:09 PM

    He might have to start working out at the gym and taking steroids if he ever wants to make it as a battering ram.

  2. Mooselicker 04/23/2012 at 4:17 PM

    I swear, you were supposed to be born an inanimate object. You get their thoughts and feelins down perfectly.

    He should be happy where he is in life. Not at some biker bar where whenever a stranger walks in the cues are snapped in half. That’s no way to end your life.

  3. fuonlyknew 04/23/2012 at 5:24 PM

    I think he needs to be weighed in to see if the business end of the stick will tip the scales in his favor.

  4. No Blog Intended 04/23/2012 at 7:12 PM

    Someone’s ambitious! But remember, there’s only a lucky few that makes it to the top. You’ve been warned! One day you’re big, the next day you’re out. Sad but true.

  5. breezyk 04/23/2012 at 8:10 PM

    I hate when someone throws up on me when I’ve just had a fresh bit of chalk put on my head. it’s the WORST.

  6. Lily 04/23/2012 at 8:12 PM

    Poor little stick with big dreams. I don’t blame him–living in a pub sounds pretty gross. And sticky.

  7. Pdubyah 04/23/2012 at 9:45 PM

    Everytime I see the word “Walthamstow” reminds me of the bad joke “Name of a Fish, starts with W, ends with W, 10 letters. – Walthamstow – it’s a place innit!”.

  8. Karen 04/23/2012 at 9:54 PM

    Hm, I think if I were the cue, I would rather get puked on than munched by some drug-crazed guy’s rabid dog 🙂

  9. mel 04/23/2012 at 10:36 PM

    I love the word ‘perps’ – makes me feel like the cue got to watch a few episodes of The Bill at least during his years in the pub. The pub can’t be that rough a place though, if he’s not found himself wrapped around someone’s swede after a raucous debate…although he should be careful just in case – he wouldn’t want to ruin his chances of making the force by getting himself a criminal record.

  10. My Funny Mummy (@my_funny_mummy) 04/24/2012 at 12:45 PM

    Clearly knockin about with the old JV on Big Break whet his whistle for a starring role. Either that or he’s itching to distance himself from anything to do with Jim Davidson: no matter what magic was weaved during the Trick Shot, that guy will never be credible on your showreel
    Fab blog – just found you.
    Please come and say hello at http://www.myfunnymummy.org x

  11. Addie 04/24/2012 at 5:46 PM


    I love the way your mind works.


  12. Anna 04/25/2012 at 1:34 PM

    ‘I don’t even blink at the point of impact; I want to see the whites of your eyes’

    This actually made me wee a little through trying to hold my laughter in. If it won’t come out your mouth, it’ll come out of your you-know-what.

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