Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

A chat with Mr Sellotape

John Sellotasellotapepe here, head of the mighty Sellotape stationery empire. Interesting fact: did you know that last year 16 billion rolls of Sellotape were sold? That’s quite impressive, yes? But hold on, this got me thinking… how much of that Sellotape sold was used to package up other boxes of Sellotape ready to be sent out to shops and newsagents all over the globe? So then I got thinking some more and started wondering what was used to seal up boxes before Sellotape was invented… I could come up with only one answer: spaghetti.

It’s true, it has to be! Think about it – spaghetti is Italian and several thousand years ago the Romans ruled the earth. Them Romans was Italian so it makes perfect sense from a historical perspective. They must have had a huge cauldron that they cooked all the spag’ up in and then used it to tie up their sandals. Chances are that they used it to string their bows in an emergency as well. In fact, they probably even whipped their slaves and crucified Jesus Christ with the stuff. Say what you want about the Roms but they knew how to use their spag’ and it kind of makes you wonder where it all went wrong for them… and I reckon they got into the bad habit of overcooking it. Nothing worse than going round someone’s house for dinner and finding that they have overcooked the pasta, it totally ruins the night. Heaven only knows what effect it would have on an empire quite literally built on the stuff.

Although I talk about the Romans ruling the earth, this was long after the dinosaurs went extinct. Now I tell you them bally dinos where a strict lot what with all the sharp teeth and deadly claws flying about the place. I wonder how the tyrannosaurus rex would have used Sello or spag if either of them had existed back then – those arms of his are quite short and not really suited to finding the end of the tape. Plus, that big chin of his would get in the way and maybe even knock the roll out of his hand by accident. I reckon he could probably scoop up a load of spag quite easily and twirl it into a manageable clump – he could even make a giant spider’s web with it to catch any low-flying pterodactyls. Would probably have to get a helping hand from a passing diplodocus though.

Man, I love Sellotape.

28 responses to “A chat with Mr Sellotape

  1. Little Miss 04/16/2012 at 9:21 AM

    Dinosaurs using spaghetti.. That needs adding into all history books. They missed out that important information!

  2. AgrippingLife 04/16/2012 at 12:32 PM

    Okay Michael, you’ve now surpassed your own weirdness. Although I did like imagining a dinosaur finding the end of the tape. Ha!

  3. No Blog Intended 04/16/2012 at 4:13 PM

    I think that Sellotape is the second best thing ever. I already thought that at the beginning of this post of yours. I just didn’t know what would be the first thing.
    But now I know. It’s spaghetti!

  4. Pete Howorth 04/16/2012 at 6:33 PM

    I’m pretty sure they used a mixture of their own semen and lemon juice to seal boxes before Roman’s ruled the Earth aswell. Funny how far we’ve come… as it were.

  5. Lily 04/16/2012 at 6:54 PM

    “Them Romans was Italian” I didn’t realize that sellotape was cockney!

  6. Addie 04/16/2012 at 8:39 PM

    I’m so confused.

  7. breezyk 04/17/2012 at 8:59 PM

    Thanks for the spaghetti net idea Only, instead of low-flying pterodactyls, I’ll use it to catch a man instead.

  8. ian in hamburg 04/18/2012 at 6:03 PM

    16 billion Sellotapes sold? Sounds like a stationery empire that’s anything but stationary.

  9. Helloitsgemma 04/19/2012 at 7:16 PM

    Fascinating. Who knew?
    Note to self: use this at next dinner party or social gathering you are invited to. Maybe even take some spaghetti.

  10. messymusings05 04/24/2012 at 7:06 AM

    No more late night energy drinks for you!!!! Very funny stuff 🙂

  11. beckyday6 04/29/2012 at 1:12 AM

    “But hold on this got me thinking. How much of that Sellotape sold was used to package up other boxes of Sellotape, ready to be sent out to shops and newsagents all over the globe?”
    HAHA! Lol, only you could think that up!

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