Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

‘Big balls ruined my life’ claims shot put enthusiast

Shotshotput

38-year old amateur athlete Bryan Richards has spoken out after realising that “Treating objects as if they are a heavy metal ball resting against my shoulder isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. It’s given me a permanent crick in the neck and shifted my Adam’s apple all over the place. My social life is in tatters.”

“All those shot putters, they look so wily and strong and I wanted to be a part of it,” Bryan said. However, it turns out there is an unknown dark side to having such well-developed shoulders. “If I was on the phone, I would find myself involuntarily hurling it across the room. None of the mobile phone companies will sell me insurance any more.”

Smash

“I once had some friends round for dinner. I fried some eggs and couldn’t help but lob them into the frying pan from the other side of the kitchen. All the yolks ended up broken and full of bits of shell, it was a complete disaster. Afterwards we played that game where you pass an orange around under your neck – when it was my turn I squeezed too hard and covered everyone in juice. By the end of the evening the walls were covered in peel and pith, it was humiliating.”

Bryan’s fixation has even resulted in bannings from pet shops. “I was in Pets 4 U and picked up a little baby hedgehog. It started curling itself up into a ball and before I knew what I was doing, I had thrown it across the shop. It even burst a little girl’s balloon. She started crying and then I noticed my hands and neck were all scratched up.”

“It’s a good job I hadn’t picked up a porcupine.”

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14 responses to “‘Big balls ruined my life’ claims shot put enthusiast

  1. No Blog Intended 04/11/2012 at 9:09 AM

    We call that ‘professional deformity’. What to do about it, hm?

  2. kickingsport 04/11/2012 at 1:12 PM

    Do you know if we’re going to see Bryan in action at the Olympics?

  3. Lily 04/11/2012 at 4:12 PM

    I guess Bryan doesn’t understand the price you pay for being really really good at something.

  4. A Gripping Life 04/12/2012 at 12:33 AM

    Shot put is one strange sport, almost as weird as curling. I’m relieved the big balls that ruined his life were not part of his anatomy.

  5. emaginette 04/12/2012 at 3:01 AM

    Too funny. Glad I wasn’t there. 🙂

  6. Karen 04/13/2012 at 12:13 AM

    Very good post! IIf he were anywhere near me, the ball would have definitely hit me in the head – that’s what happens to me 🙂
    – Karen

  7. Anna 04/13/2012 at 2:19 PM

    I come on your site every lunchtime. I thought you ought to know.

  8. kimbervale 04/18/2012 at 6:21 PM

    Too funny. I used to throw a little shot in HS. Glad I didn’t end up like that guy–what a freakin’ nightmare!

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