- RT @davidwalliams: Matt & I in the first picture from our new comedy series ‘Little World’. https://t.co/gxPVfj2Y0n 1 week ago
Peeps who interviewed me
Trailer for Underneath
Trailer for Shades of Grey
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Hi, my name is Larry. I won’t to tell you my surname as I’m trying to keep it a secret from something that, under normal circumstances, I would trust implicitly: my radiator. My suspicions about this heating element first started last month when I hung my socks over it to dry. Almost immediately, I heard a meowing sound. At first I thought it might be my cat until I remembered that I don’t have a cat. Therefore the only logical thing to assume is that my radiator is alive and watching me, waiting for my guard to slip so it can pounce and exact some kind revenge on me. One of the precautions I’ve undertaken is to never read any of my mail directly within its sight – I usually get a torch and open the letters whilst sitting underneath by duvet. If I get any junk mail I just leave it lying on the floor in the hope that it fools him into thinking my name is Dominos or something.
I have tried to find out more information about radiators because, let’s face it, no-one really knows where they come from. When was the last time you saw one for sale in a shop? They are always always preinstalled in a house somehow and I’ve never had a radiator salesman come up to me and say “Hello, I am a radiator salesman, would you like to buy a radiator?” When people used to talk about bleeding their radiators I assumed it was a technical maintenance term, but now I realise it’s a codeword for hiring a radiator hit man. I wonder how much an assassination like that would cost and whether it would leave much of a mess…?
Last night, when I was making a cup of tea for myself, I shouted out “Oh, I really fancy a glass of lemonade,” to fool the radiator into thinking that someone else might be in the house with me. I don’t usually drink lemonade either, so this would have been a kind of double bluff tactic; if you think something is watching you then it’s a good idea to keep it second-guessing all the time. I sometimes paint eyes on my eyelids so that when I’m asleep it looks like my eyes are still open.
Hmmm, I wonder what happens when I leave the house; does it try to delete all my Xbox game saves…?