Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

I think my radiator is watching me

radiatorHi, my name is Larry. I won’t to tell you my surname as I’m trying to keep it a secret from something that, under normal circumstances, I would trust implicitly: my radiator. My suspicions about this heating element first started last month when I hung my socks over it to dry. Almost immediately, I heard a meowing sound. At first I thought it might be my cat until I remembered that I don’t have a cat. Therefore the only logical thing to assume is that my radiator is alive and watching me, waiting for my guard to slip so it can pounce and exact some kind revenge on me. One of the precautions I’ve undertaken is to never read any of my mail directly within its sight – I usually get a torch and open the letters whilst sitting underneath by duvet. If I get any junk mail I just leave it lying on the floor in the hope that it fools him into thinking my name is Dominos or something.

I have tried to find out more information about radiators because, let’s face it, no-one really knows where they come from. When was the last time you saw one for sale in a shop? They are always always preinstalled in a house somehow and I’ve never had a radiator salesman come up to me and say “Hello, I am a radiator salesman, would you like to buy a radiator?” When people used to talk about bleeding their radiators I assumed it was a technical maintenance term, but now I realise it’s a codeword for hiring a radiator hit man. I wonder how much an assassination like that would cost and whether it would leave much of a mess…?

Last night, when I was making a cup of tea for myself, I shouted out “Oh, I really fancy a glass of lemonade,” to fool the radiator into thinking that someone else might be in the house with me. I don’t usually drink lemonade either, so this would have been a kind of double bluff tactic; if you think something is watching you then it’s a good idea to keep it second-guessing all the time. I sometimes paint eyes on my eyelids so that when I’m asleep it looks like my eyes are still open.

Hmmm, I wonder what happens when I leave the house; does it try to delete all my Xbox game saves…?

29 responses to “I think my radiator is watching me

  1. MadDino 04/01/2012 at 10:34 AM

    I don’t have a radiator, but I worry that my toaster will launch a kamikaze attack while I’m in the shower.

  2. kickingsport 04/01/2012 at 12:05 PM

    I believe radiators can only be killed using magical “bleeding keys”. Once you find and use one of these legendary weapons, you can even listen to it hiss to death.

  3. jbmumofone 04/01/2012 at 12:33 PM

    I think you can find a hitman in the book under eradiacators.

  4. A Gripping Life 04/01/2012 at 1:50 PM

    No joke. You’re aware that this is actually someone’s internal dialogue ‘out there,’ right?
    haha! Love the painted eyelids!

  5. breezyk 04/01/2012 at 3:14 PM

    I think you’re right to question where these demons came from. And the salesmen- do they know they are dealing in pure EVIL? how do they sleep at night

  6. Bibsey Mama (@BibseyMama) 04/01/2012 at 3:25 PM

    I think that you might be right about your radiator. It may be trying to ‘winkle’ you out of the house in the manner of Michael Keaton in ‘Pacific Heights’. I suspect that the only answer is to move, but it seems that there are radiators everywhere… good luck. Let’s hope that it doesn’t drive you mad in anyway in the meantime.

  7. helloitsgemma 04/01/2012 at 5:24 PM

    Under. Floor. Heating. Don’t whatever you do read this a loud at home.

  8. Lily 04/02/2012 at 1:00 AM

    Omg you have a face as your avatar. Your face I’m guessing! Good to see you! Radiators are super tricky. Always making noises and trying to burn people.

  9. Sasha 04/03/2012 at 12:03 AM

    You know you may be on to something? Nobody ever chooses their radiator. Hm…

  10. Rachel 04/03/2012 at 6:42 AM

    Gotta watch those radiators. They have shifty eyes.

  11. Pete Howorth 04/03/2012 at 8:25 PM

    Haha so true. Radiators do watch, I have one behind me now burning a hole in my head.

    One time someone did come round to “bleed” the radiator and it shot dirty water all over my white dining room wall. Never worked again, must have hit an artery.

  12. beckyday6 04/03/2012 at 9:50 PM

    Ha, haha, this is awesome! You genuinely made me eye my own radiator suspiciously. Do you think they comunicate with those mysterious teddy bears that apparently go for teddy bear picnics when you leave the house?

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