Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Piers Morgan reviews his own shit-eating grin

piers morganCowabunga dudes! It’s Piersy Morgers here and I’ve decided to tell you all about moi. I’m a big fan of cats and have an entire shed dedicated to them and their mysterious ways, one that I built myself using a combination of blood, tears, and self-satisfied smuggery. I decided to name the shed Sheba and appoint myself as its queen, which of course makes me The Queen of Sheba. I like to wear a robe and fill the pockets with kittens so I can listen to them mewling in honour of their gracious kingy-queen and I even have authentic photographs to show as proof if you don’t believe me.

I also like holidays and my favouritest holiday was when I popped over to Iraq back in 2004. I got kidnapped by a gang of Iraqi criminals who threatened to kill me unless I gave them lots of money. When I told them I was a celebrity they soon changed their tune and it wasn’t long before they were begging me all day and night for my autograph. When I was rescued by some British soldiers their translator informed me that my captors thought that I was the gay wimpy one from Four Weddings and a Funeral, but it still counts, right? Celebrity by proxy is still celebritiness and yes, I have 100% authentic photographs that I can show you as proof.

Some time last year I bought myself an owl and named it Twitter. I could tell right away that I was doing well with Twitter as it kept responding to every ‘twit’ I made. “Twit-twit-to-WOO!” I would say and it would do a twitty right back at me. If I leave Twitter alone for too long I get worried that it has forgotten about me, so I make sure that I unleash a mighty T-bomb at him every now and then. Occasionally he flies around and does lots of little Twit-shits on me, but, well, I kind of like the attention and it gives me a real feeling of legitimacy among all the other Twitter owners out there. But make no mistake, I’m the master of Twitter.

I have authentic photos of all this you know, especially the Iraq stuff. They definitely aren’t fake as I can tell by looking at the pixels and from seeing quite a few Photoshops in my time.

12 responses to “Piers Morgan reviews his own shit-eating grin

  1. kickingsport 03/29/2012 at 10:15 AM

    I can’t believe he didn’t boast about how many Twitter followers he had…

  2. Lily 03/29/2012 at 6:14 PM

    I take it that you don’t like Piers Morgan? He’s not really my favorite either. But now I do like to picture him in a robe surrounded by kitties.

  3. Pete Howorth 03/29/2012 at 7:30 PM

    Best thing Jeremy Clarkson ever did was knock his lights out.

  4. Mooselicker 03/29/2012 at 11:00 PM

    The name Piers looks incomplete to me. Like it’s missing a vowel.

    I too could confuse him for that English cat from Mickey Blue Eyes. But you know what they say, all white people look the same.

  5. A Gripping Life 03/29/2012 at 11:43 PM

    I’m not a fan of Piers Morgan. I’m tired of these journalists who think they can turn their career into something more. He’s desperate for celebrity which makes him a really bad journalist. Where’s his dignity?

  6. thelovebump 04/06/2012 at 7:10 PM

    Hang on…. An owl called Twitter??!!! PURE. VRIGGING. GENIUS! I want one.

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