Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Justin Bieber’s diary

Dear diaryjustin bieber

This morning daddy was reading the newspaper and there was something about Somalian pirates boarding ships and boats that sail too close to shore. It got me excited because I remember when I went to the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disney World, me and my friend had so much fun! There was dancing and songs and right at the end we were even able to get our faces painted! I usually choose to be a tiger, but I wonder if that would be too scary for people on a boat as they would feel trapped because they wouldn’t be able to run away from it unless they jumped in the water without a lifejacket. I hope they let you eat Hula Hoops on a boat because if they did I would share them with everyone including Jack Sparrow if I saw him, but not the girl because she is bossy and sometimes shouts.

At school my teacher has been teaching us about Australian aborigines. We were shown some pictures and all of them were nearly naked with the men only having a small tablecloth wrapped round them to stop anyone looking at their willies, which would be quite embarrassing for me, but probably quite handy for going to the toilet as I sometimes find it hard doing my trouser button up. We watched a video where some of them were holding spears and dancing round a fire at night. There were even some children dancing, which was strange as mummy always makes sure I am bed by the time it is dark, and the one time I stayed outside too late with a fire was New Year’s Eve as a special treat.

For dinner we had my favourite chicken nuggets and alphabet potato shapes. I was trying to pour the tomato ketchup but none was coming out so I put a knife into it and suddenly it all came out at once and went all over my plate and I nearly did a cry because I like sauce but not too much at once. Daddy laughed but mummy was cross because she had cooked it all for me as a special treat, so she gave me some of her mashed potato but I don’t really like mashed potato because sometimes it has lumpy bits in it and they make me feel sick.

I left my dinner and had an extra satsuma for pudding which was nice but it had some pips in it.

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14 responses to “Justin Bieber’s diary

  1. A Gripping Life 03/24/2012 at 12:40 PM

    Poor widdle Justin, the world must be a big, scary, adventure when your IQ is well below average. (I will say, he’s sounding very British these days?)

  2. jbmumofone 03/24/2012 at 4:57 PM

    You are an evil genius Mr Cargill…mahahahaha

  3. Addie 03/24/2012 at 6:03 PM

    You have to read his diary with that awful Cockney accent Dick vanDyke used in Mary Poppins–makes it even more amusing.

  4. beckyday6 03/24/2012 at 8:07 PM

    HA! I can’t stand Bieber. Nice one Michael!

  5. Little Miss 03/24/2012 at 9:49 PM

    I just love it. I hope that he googles his name and finds these enteries. Would be scary for him how real they are!

  6. No Blog Intended 03/25/2012 at 1:22 PM

    Jack Sparrow should really be your idol. He’s a genius. I’d share my Hula Hoops with him too!
    Oh, and I share your sauce pain.

  7. noonebutabloghead 03/27/2012 at 1:14 PM

    Ah Justin. As clumsy with sauce as you are with your choice of music.

  8. Sasha 04/03/2012 at 12:07 AM

    More insight into the mind of my favorite man. Thank you, Michael.

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