Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

My immortality serum is almost ready

ChemistryHello. My name is John Bubble and I am a chemistry chemical EXPERT. Ever since my 12th birthday, when I got a Johnson & Johnson chemistry set, my fate has been in my own hands. The moment I opened up the box I found myself captivated by the clammy feel of the fire-retardant test tubes and the smell of the rubber squeezy bit on the pipette, though the boner I got when I saw the bulge of the girl’s breasts on the front of the box was pretty good as well. Right there and then I knew that I was a mere GCSE exam away from being a full-blown genius. I told everyone in my class to call me Sir Anthrax but they misheard me and started calling me Stiff Anus instead.

After braving the dangers of iron filings and bicarbonate of soda for a few weeks, I decided to step things up a gear by getting some crushed Trebor Extra Strong Mints and shampoo. It wasn’t the baby-kind shampoo either so I had to wear the safety goggles in case I got some in my eye. Down at the bottom of my garden, wearing my goggles for safety, and Buzz Lightyear jumper for comfort, I mixed the two components together… and then I fled for safety and threw myself upon the ground in case something bad happened. An hour later I peered through my binoculars and was suddenly aware that I had turned the entire world black! SUCCESS! Then I realised I’d left the lens cap on and had climaxed somewhat prematurely again.

Now, on the cusp of my 14th birthday, I’m about to unleash my IMMORTALITY SERUM upon the world. Well, upon me anyway. Then I shall be rid of these teeth retainers that make me dribble and spit like my grandmother once and for all! I will have the hairiest chest and the largest Adam’s apple you will ever see! And Sexy Susan won’t dare laugh at my Yoda impressions ever again for she will be my wife. She doesn’t know it but I can sometimes see her bra through her blouse. But enough talking. Here we go… time to quaff the serum and take my rightful place in the world.

Ooooh, it tastes like chicken.

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18 responses to “My immortality serum is almost ready

  1. kickingsport 03/21/2012 at 11:04 AM

    You wanna get the copyright on this brainchild sorted right now Mr Cargill – I’m worried JK Rowling will want to pinch this one for the temporarily-delayed “Harry Potter 8 : Serum of Immortality”.

  2. No Blog Intended 03/21/2012 at 1:09 PM

    Andandand what happened then? Tell me, come on, I want to kno-o-ow!

  3. Addie 03/21/2012 at 6:32 PM

    What are you smoking?? ahahaha!

  4. Mooselicker 03/21/2012 at 8:14 PM

    This reminded me of Dexter’s Laboratory only with more dick jokes or exactly the same amount.

    Deep down inside, we all want to be mad scientists.

  5. noonebutabloghead 03/21/2012 at 9:31 PM

    At least he got into science for the right reasons.

    Bulging breasts are a good enough reason to do just about anything.

  6. Lily 03/22/2012 at 3:32 PM

    This kid makes me sad. He’s so enthusiastic about his little experiments and no one likes him. Wahhh! Sir Anthrax is my favorite!

  7. A Gripping Life 03/22/2012 at 5:39 PM

    haha! Poor little John Bubble. Ya gotta love ’em. So much excitement and passion. I like that he left the lens cap on and that the serum taste like chicken! Brilliant.
    Someone ought to tell him, though, that most girls are repelled by a chest with too much hair.

  8. Anna 03/22/2012 at 7:50 PM

    Everyone knows talking in capital letters instantly means you’re right- haters gonna hate, but you’ll have the last laugh when you type SCIENTIST on your CV and get a job at a farmer’s market! Then those scallywags will be sorry!

  9. Alina Haque 01/29/2014 at 11:44 PM

    lol are you illuminati
    kid dont join them k

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