Frodo Baggins from Lord of the Rings reviews St Patrick’s Day

Gandalf! No, wait. You aren’t Gandalf. Oh well, would you mind helping me with this wooden box? I’m only a short-arse and that blasted Samwise is worried about getting a splinter. I tell you, ever since we walked into Mordor he’s become a right hypochondriac. Okay, just shove the box down there. Phew! That was heavy.

So then, Patrick’s Day. Not much to say really other than it’s a nice bit of time with the family and friends and the odd bit of drinking. Gandalf doesn’t come to the pub with us any more as the bouncers usually mistake him for a pervert; it’s the robe and the beard y’see. I told him he should try to learn that Jedi mind trick thing but he won’t listen. Pity really, as he was always good for getting the first round of drinks in.

Last year, Tom Bombadil almost started a fight in the taxi queue. He started hopping around, singing ‘Hey dol! Merry dol! Ring a dong dillo’ which somehow offended a fat bloke who was feasting on a battered sausage. We managed to calm it all down in the end, but we told Tom to stick to orange juice in future. To be honest Tom is a bit of a weirdo so I have stopped replying to his text messages. He lives out in the middle of nowhere and keeps repeating the same joke about his milk going bad by the time he walks back with it from the shop. It was funny at first, but jeez, he doesn’t shut up about it. I’m all for alternative lifestyles and stuff, just stop shoving it in my face, yeah?

For next year I made the suggestion that we get a BBQ and a fire going. With a few sausages and maybe even a paddling pool it would be great! Everyone else said it would probably be raining or something and that pissed me right off. How the bloody hell do they know? Can’t stand know-it-all smart arses who try to shoot down everything I say. I mean, I love a bit of Guinness and all but why not try something else? We could do the Pepsi Challenge maybe or just have some coffee instead. You should have seen the looks on their faces when I said this.