Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Wise-guy door handle claims to have seen it all
03/15/2012Posted by on
A veteran door handle has boldly claimed that he has now seen everything that there is to see in the world. The brushed-steel accessory, constructed ten years ago in a now-defunct factory in Stanley, has spent the last five years acting as “A guardian angel to the premises. No-one gets in, or out, without going through me first and if I don’t like the look of you then yes, you will find me a little bit stiffer than I would usually be.”
The door handle claims to have peered into the very soul of humanity in his time. “I’ve seen all sorts. All them women who act all high and mighty in their posh frocks? They fiddle around pulling their knickers out of their arse just like the rest of us do and even the high up managers like to sniff their fingers after having a good old scratch round the testes. Just remember that the next time one of them tries to make out that their shit smells better than yours.”
Remembering his early days, he said “It was a good six months before I realised that there was another handle on the other side of the door.” He explains his naivety being down to “Just something I didn’t even think about. And why would I? I was just doing my job and not really paying attention to anyone else was doing.” Not usually being one for small-talk, he says “him on the other side of the gate has his way of doing business and I have mine.”
Although he disagrees with frivolous expensive beauty treatments in general, he admits to “Really liking it when the maintenance guy comes around once a month. Sometimes he’d take me apart and clean me right up with a squirt of fresh oil and discard any old screws that had started to slack off. Other times he’d just fiddle around with my loose wonky bits, which felt absolutely marvellous truth be told.”
“I guess it was kind of like an enema but without the hose and a drippy arse.”