Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Wise-guy door handle claims to have seen it all

Gripdoor handle

A veteran door handle has boldly claimed that he has now seen everything that there is to see in the world. The brushed-steel accessory, constructed ten years ago in a now-defunct factory in Stanley, has spent the last five years acting as “A guardian angel to the premises. No-one gets in, or out, without going through me first and if I don’t like the look of you then yes, you will find me a little bit stiffer than I would usually be.”

The door handle claims to have peered into the very soul of humanity in his time. “I’ve seen all sorts. All them women who act all high and mighty in their posh frocks? They fiddle around pulling their knickers out of their arse just like the rest of us do and even the high up managers like to sniff their fingers after having a good old scratch round the testes. Just remember that the next time one of them tries to make out that their shit smells better than yours.”


Remembering his early days, he said “It was a good six months before I realised that there was another handle on the other side of the door.” He explains his naivety being down to “Just something I didn’t even think about. And why would I? I was just doing my job and not really paying attention to anyone else was doing.” Not usually being one for small-talk, he says “him on the other side of the gate has his way of doing business and I have mine.”

Although he disagrees with frivolous expensive beauty treatments in general, he admits to “Really liking it when the maintenance guy comes around once a month. Sometimes he’d take me apart and clean me right up with a squirt of fresh oil and discard any old screws that had started to slack off. Other times he’d just fiddle around with my loose wonky bits, which felt absolutely marvellous truth be told.”

“I guess it was kind of like an enema but without the hose and a drippy arse.”

19 responses to “Wise-guy door handle claims to have seen it all

  1. kickingsport 03/15/2012 at 2:35 PM

    Not too keen on this one I’m afraid – the interviewee comes across as a bit of a knob to me. :p

  2. Addie 03/15/2012 at 3:24 PM

    I’ll add that bit of information about men to my mental folder about men as soon as I stop saying “EWWWW!!!”

  3. Lily 03/15/2012 at 3:28 PM

    That was very creative! I can never look at a door handle the same way…! I hope all of my door handles like me!!

  4. No Blog Intended 03/15/2012 at 3:57 PM

    I’m all paranoid for door handles now, especially when they’re stiff… 😯

  5. A Gripping Life 03/15/2012 at 5:18 PM

    Okay, Im laughing at No Blog Intended and her rather bold comment!
    Who knew door handles were so observant? I guess I won’t be yanking up my falling tights anytime soon.

  6. motherventing 03/15/2012 at 8:37 PM

    Has he met my door handle? I think the two of them would get on very well. *wink*

  7. Mooselicker 03/15/2012 at 10:09 PM

    I thought by wise-guy you meant Italian mafia dude. Perhaps this door handle has witnessed a few murders itself? He’s seen it all so he had to have. He saw Margaret Thatcher lose her virginity. Heard she lost it to him by accident.

  8. Pete Howorth 03/15/2012 at 11:21 PM

    Has it ever seen a man eat his own head?

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