- RT @davidwalliams: Matt & I in the first picture from our new comedy series ‘Little World’. https://t.co/gxPVfj2Y0n 1 week ago
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Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
My name is John Bobness and I have been a Monster Truck fan ever since my 12th birthday. I remember it well as my dad was unconscious after getting drunk on the toilet cleaner, so my birthday was once more in the hands of my next door neighbour. People often say that I look very similar to my neighbour, which came in handy as it meant he could vouch that it was okay for me to buy cigarettes and whisky at the local shop. My dad said I was too young to drink so I just used the booze to sterilise the cigarette burns I got when he was drunk and unable to control his arms properly. That’s okay though because chicks dig scars, right?
I still remember that first Monster Truck show. We got a hotdog each and I dropped mine as we were trying to squeeze past a family who were all wearing Cookie Monster t-shirts. All four of them had ponytails and for some reason they smelled entirely of baked beans. Anyway, when I dropped my hotdog, one of the kids picked up and ate it in one mouthful! It was so funny and I asked him to give me high-five but I don’t think he spoke English as he just looked at me and belched. I bought another hotdog later on but it wasn’t until I got home that I realised the sauce had fallen all over my shoes. I had to use the whisky to wash it off.
Since then, I have been a complete fan of Monster Truck shows and collect all the figures and the posters. Sometimes the back of the trucks come in handy at dinner time if there aren’t any clean plates available, although I have to make sure I clean it afterwards – the mould starts to smell after a while and makes me cough if I sleep too closely to it. We have a cat with one eye and he makes a great obstacle for my truck to climb over. If I run the truck over his tail he doesn’t even flinch and my dad says it’s because all the nerve endings are dead from being used to clean out the coffee mugs.
That sounds so cool!