Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Q&A with a pair of Adidas Samba trainers

Hey there my hip and hapadidas sambapening friends, it’s good to see you again! I have been trapped inside a shoe box for a while which is why you haven’t heard from me recently. I couldn’t even get a signal for my mobile phone either, it was dreadful, although I got pretty good at that Snakes game. Somehow a bee got inside the box with me and it drove me potty with all its buzzing around everywhere – I was bloody glad when it tried to sting the lid and ended up ripping its own arse out.

Dear Adidas Samba trainers

I’m having trouble with my gas supplier. They keep overcharging me and I don’t understand their website instructions on how to do a gas meter reading myself. Can you help?

Why yes, of course I can! I’m no expert on utility suppliers myself but I remember the large-breasted woman in the factory where I was stitched together knew all about these things and she would get Jimmy, the local IT bod, to do the gas readings for her. She had a bad back so couldn’t do it herself but Jimmy was a real whizz with that sort of thing. I’ve sent the woman a text message asking if she knows Jimmy’s number but she hasn’t replied yet. Miserable bitch, I hope her tits fall off.

Dear Adidas Samba trainers

I need to know what sort of t-shirt to wear down the gym. Should I go with a cheap cotton one or the more expensive ones that draw the sweat away from the body?

Hmm, good question. My only real experience with t-shirts is from the factory when the rejected ones were torn up and turned into shoe laces for me and my chums. Most of the time they were just cheap imports, but occasionally a box of unwanted Calvin Kleins or Ralph Lauren tops would come in – anyone who got a quality set of laces like that has really hit the jackpot! If you’re really strapped for cash you could perhaps wear a black plastic bin liner. Although it’ll leave you sweating horrendously, it helps enormously with the weight loss… you fat tosser.

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9 responses to “Q&A with a pair of Adidas Samba trainers

  1. No Blog Intended 03/11/2012 at 10:37 AM

    Is that about T-shirts becoming shoe laces true?
    Jeeze, I never knew that. My world has changed a harsh lot now.

  2. Lily 03/11/2012 at 4:45 PM

    I’ve always wanted to go in a sauna wearing a plastic bag and just sweat everything out of my body. Sounds like the worst thing anyone could do, but you’ve got to try it sometime, right?

  3. kickingsport 03/12/2012 at 12:06 AM

    I’m beginning to wonder what I’d do without these regular helpings of advice from members of our society who previously went without a voice. Can you please arrange for a Q & A with pair of wellies soon? I want to grill them on global warming and carbon footprints. And yoghurt.

  4. A Gripping Life 03/12/2012 at 12:54 AM

    I’m glad he knows his friends are “hip and happening.” Probably only the Adidas “Samba” attract those kind of people. I’ve heard the cross trainers socialize with a rowdy bunch of drunks.

  5. Mooselicker 03/12/2012 at 10:31 PM

    How would a shoe even know what tits were? He must have kicked a lot of boobs.

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