Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Come to my teddy bear’s picnic

Hi there. People often ask me if I’m crazy for coteddy bearllecting teddy bears but I really don’t think I am. I have 156 teddy bears at the moment yet at any one time there can be 50 trillion cells in the human body… and no-one considers a collection like that to be strange. I once arranged all my beary friends into a scene resembling the painting of The Last Supper. I had Berty, my favourite, as Jesus and all the other bears were listening to him talk. I did all the voices myself and made Judas Iscariot sound like a Dalek from Doctor Who. I got very upset at the betrayal bit and threw the Judas bear out of the window. I later regretted this as it was raining outside and he got wet.

In the summer I love having picnics and I once hosted one in the park that was fraught with danger. If the butter gets on their fur it can be a nightmare to wash the smell out and all the infernal children never leave me alone. Someone’s dog got over excited and chewed one of my favourites to pieces – it was hot so I had put a piece of ham on the bear’s head to keep him cool and, well, you can probably guess the rest. These days I tend to use a leaf of lettuce instead and put some slices of cucumber on top to weigh it down. So far, no dogs have tried to attack my bears since I adopted this measure.

If I go on a ride somewhere on my bicycle I will always take a rucksack and put at least two bears in it. When I stop for a break it means I can take them out and have someone to talk to as I get my energy back. Although I have a water bottle I keep it filled with honey rather than water – if there’s one thing that I’ve learnt over the years, it’s that honey can give you energy and strength. It’s true, I saw it in a Yogi Bear cartoon once and it reminded me of Popeye with his spinach, but Yogi is much better than Popeye.

If Yogi and Popeye were in a wrestling match I would be the commentator. I would do the voices myself and Popeye would have a voice like Chandler from Friends.


19 responses to “Come to my teddy bear’s picnic

  1. kickingsport 03/09/2012 at 10:02 AM

    Heart-warming story but I hope you don’t show your favouritism to Berty in front of the others as it would really hurt their feelings, you insensitive monster.

  2. A Gripping Life 03/09/2012 at 2:30 PM

    LOL!!! This was so off the charts absurd that I actually did laugh out loud. You can imagine, with my mental health background, some of the people I’ve encountered — putting a lettuce leaf on the bear’s head and weighing it down with a cucumber or two fits right into my idea of crazy. If only Judas Iscariot could really have been thrown from a window… that might’ve changed things up a bit?

  3. noonebutabloghead 03/09/2012 at 3:07 PM

    Your picnics should be safe until you encounter a vegetarian dog.

  4. Mooselicker 03/09/2012 at 3:40 PM

    I still have my first teddy bear. His name is Papa Bear. He practically raised me. I relate to this post a lot.

    50 trillion cells in the human body? Makes those 7 bodies under my crawl space look like pocket change.

  5. Lily 03/09/2012 at 10:37 PM

    I think Popeye would be more relatable if he sounded like Chandler.This sounds like a case of organized Hoarders. Anyone over the age of 12 that collects things is mega creepy.

  6. No Blog Intended 03/10/2012 at 12:18 PM

    I believe that teddy bears are necessary for your education. There are no better friends than the ones that never say you’re wrong.
    And the ones that have a soft fur.

  7. Little Miss 03/10/2012 at 1:17 PM

    I would love to hear your version of popeyes voice!

  8. jbmumofone 03/10/2012 at 7:36 PM

    Holy shit. Now my image of The Last Supper has FOZZY as the main man….I am Catholic…This is bad *dodges lightening bolt*

  9. Anna 03/14/2012 at 2:19 PM

    I actually laughed at this. ACTUALLY. LAUGHED. You know that kind of laugh that you try to stop but then it just ends up splurting out the edges, sounding not dissimilar to a fart? Yeah, that kind of laugh. Right in the middle of my office. I need to stop reading your posts when I’m at work. Actually, I might just quit work. This seems like a fair compromise.

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