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Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Come to my teddy bear’s picnic
03/09/2012Posted by on
Hi there. People often ask me if I’m crazy for collecting teddy bears but I really don’t think I am. I have 156 teddy bears at the moment yet at any one time there can be 50 trillion cells in the human body… and no-one considers a collection like that to be strange. I once arranged all my beary friends into a scene resembling the painting of The Last Supper. I had Berty, my favourite, as Jesus and all the other bears were listening to him talk. I did all the voices myself and made Judas Iscariot sound like a Dalek from Doctor Who. I got very upset at the betrayal bit and threw the Judas bear out of the window. I later regretted this as it was raining outside and he got wet.
In the summer I love having picnics and I once hosted one in the park that was fraught with danger. If the butter gets on their fur it can be a nightmare to wash the smell out and all the infernal children never leave me alone. Someone’s dog got over excited and chewed one of my favourites to pieces – it was hot so I had put a piece of ham on the bear’s head to keep him cool and, well, you can probably guess the rest. These days I tend to use a leaf of lettuce instead and put some slices of cucumber on top to weigh it down. So far, no dogs have tried to attack my bears since I adopted this measure.
If I go on a ride somewhere on my bicycle I will always take a rucksack and put at least two bears in it. When I stop for a break it means I can take them out and have someone to talk to as I get my energy back. Although I have a water bottle I keep it filled with honey rather than water – if there’s one thing that I’ve learnt over the years, it’s that honey can give you energy and strength. It’s true, I saw it in a Yogi Bear cartoon once and it reminded me of Popeye with his spinach, but Yogi is much better than Popeye.
If Yogi and Popeye were in a wrestling match I would be the commentator. I would do the voices myself and Popeye would have a voice like Chandler from Friends.