Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Vladimir Putin does the horoscopes

Comrades. As the new and rightful lePutinader I here to tell you what is what. I divide you up by star sign and then say what is happen. You must not try to get out of it or else man who wrestle bear for fun will come and find you. I sometime wrestle bear for fun and I teach other mans who like to wrestle how to do it too. We have fun and shoot guns for fun as well. Then we practise putting people in cage and no feed them for six weeks; is fun.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Your favourite TV programme have special omnibus special this week. Omnibus is now cancel so you do something else instead and I suggest learning Judo for fun or maybe even make mashed potato for local bear wrestling club. For every 500 potatoes you peel, get free bullet for gun of my choice.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Favourite vending machine at work is now changed – no more vending Coca Cola and Scampi Snacks, but bricks and cyanide instead. Price is doubled too. You buy brick and donate to local martial art dojo so they buy cages for bears. Cyanide is for killing rats in house. You say you no have rats? You will soon, so buy quick before cyanide run out.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

I see you have nice shampoo in bathroom. Soon, shampoo not be in stock in shop so you have better shampoo instead. Is black in colour and can be use for paint or wash car as well. It is like hair dye too, which is good as I like sexy brunette very much. Soon, all lady have sexy brunette hair.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

You have nice wallpaper and pictures up in house. Is nice but you take down soon. Everyone having nice and smart grey concrete walls and lights with no lampshade, which be good practice for when you get arrest and put in prison for being spy. I know you spy as you have pet rabbit or dog instead of have bear to practice wrestling on.

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33 responses to “Vladimir Putin does the horoscopes

  1. AgrippingLife 03/06/2012 at 12:33 PM

    I like how he shed a glycerin tear when he won the rigged election. I’d like to hunt him down and put him in a cage and feed him cyanide from the vending machine. Is fun. Haha!

  2. kickingsport 03/06/2012 at 1:55 PM

    Finally found someone who shares my passion for bear wrestling!

  3. Mooselicker 03/06/2012 at 3:56 PM

    Head and shoulders constitutes as good shampoo? I better load up, I’ve got coupons to use!

  4. derekotoole 03/06/2012 at 3:57 PM

    Anyone with a dog or rabbit has to be a spy. I commend your brain.

  5. No Blog Intended 03/06/2012 at 4:00 PM

    Free bullets.
    I need them.
    He looks like someone who has clandestine lives. Yes, more than one life. Like we say here ‘a double agenda’.

  6. noonebutabloghead 03/06/2012 at 5:17 PM

    I’m not sure what I like more – the horoscopes or the fact that the real Putin has apparently been photographed in a supervillain pose.

  7. jbmumofone 03/06/2012 at 6:27 PM

    You wanna be careful…you may end up with polonium in your coffee.

  8. Lily 03/06/2012 at 6:44 PM

    Maybe I’ll have to dye my hair for Vlad. It seems to be the direction that he wants me to go.

  9. Addie 03/06/2012 at 7:16 PM

    Cyanide, eh? I’m glad get me the good present, use for many things. Rats, special seasoning for “let us make peace” dinner with he whose name is redacted. I like.

  10. motherventing 03/07/2012 at 7:44 PM

    I’ve saved up all my 5p coins for that farking vending machine and now you’re telling me the price has doubled? That’s it. I’m moving to Moldova.

  11. Sasha 03/09/2012 at 3:53 AM

    Being a descendant of two Soviet Ukrainians, I can vouch for the accuracy of this statement: You say you no have rats? You will soon so buy quick before cyanide run out.

  12. Addie 03/09/2012 at 9:53 AM

    Ha! I now reek of cyanide. Thanks to this forecast.

  13. greatlakessocialist 03/11/2012 at 5:24 AM

    I do have lovely shampoo! And I am a bewitching brunette! Vladimir you can have my vote! Presuming you don’t have it already.

  14. Mel 03/12/2012 at 9:43 PM

    Holy shit – he knew exactly what my sagittarius on cusp of capricorn life was like. I’ll have to try wrestling with the dog (as am lacking in bears in Lancashire) just to toughen myself up before I’m banished to siberia for espionage

  15. sadieforsythe 07/15/2012 at 3:59 PM

    Where do you come up with this stuff? Too funny. I’m Leo by the way. Life without Coca Cola is gonna be tough.

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