Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Sir Francis Drake reviews his Subway sandwich experience

Tally ho, chaps! Now, before I begin, if I find out that aFrancisDrakeny French or Spanish people are reading this I will have them arrested and thrown in prison, so bloody clear off. Anyway. Most of the time when I am hungry I jump on my horse and go for a jolly hunt somewhere in the woods like every fine English gentleman does. However, today it is raining, and flushing out the pheasants is a ghastly business in the wet so I decided to pop along to that new Subway sandwich place to see what the fuss is all about. And by golly, was it exciting – I even saw William Shakespeare in the queue! I know he can’t write for shit but his wife has a cracking little arse on her and I let out a chortle when I heard him pronounce ‘jalapeno’ incorrectly.

When I first walked in to the place the door made a ‘ting-a-ling’ sound which I hadn’t ever heard before. I thought we were under attack but it turns out that a bell was attached to the door via a complex rope-and-pulley system. I had no idea that the sandwich industry had progressed so much over the last few years.

The man behind the counter asked me what bread I wanted. “However the Earl of Sandwich has it!” I boomed, leading him to look at me as if I was a Frenchman taking a shit on his doorstep. Then I saw the actual bread selection and asked for an Italian herb ‘n’ cheese.

Now the questions started to come thick and fast – do I want extra cheese? Would I like it toasted? Had I heard about the sub of the day? I was feeling a bit under pressure so I decided to play for time. “Good God man are you the Spanish Inquisition?” I asked, before spotting ‘meatball marinara’ up on the menu board. Although I had no idea what it was I didn’t get to where I am today without taking any chances. “And don’t spare the marinara stuff either,” I said, fixing him with one of my steely gazes. Annoyingly my eye started to itch so it probably looked like I chickened out when I started rubbing it. Finally, with the transaction completed, I grabbed my sandwich and ran all the way home so as to feast in private.

Oh drat and blast! I forgot to get my Subway membership card stamped.

27 responses to “Sir Francis Drake reviews his Subway sandwich experience

  1. kickingsport 03/04/2012 at 12:25 PM

    Agree with Sir Francis here – there’s too many questions involved and it’s really too challenging to get a simple sandwich half the time. Waiting for the reviews of McDonald’s, Burger King and KFC!

  2. musodad 03/04/2012 at 5:17 PM

    Was it the Hertford branch he went to? If so, next time I’m passing I’ll see if he’s in there and, if he is, take him for a slap up binge at the Theatre Cafe over the road instead. A much more pleasant experience.

  3. Lily 03/04/2012 at 6:08 PM

    This really took me away to Ye Olde Subway. Let me be the first one to say, that no Brit can actually pronounce jalapeno, nacho or taco. Endless entertainment.

  4. breezyk 03/04/2012 at 9:41 PM

    I laughed out loud at the “however the Earl of Sandwhich has it” line.
    I’m glad I haven’t been the recipient of any of SFD’s steely gazes. I bet its like looking directly at an eclipse

  5. noonebutabloghead 03/05/2012 at 12:31 PM

    Another fantastic celebrity review.

    Really, I don’t know how you manage to convince such successful and/or long dead people to review such mundane things…

  6. A Gripping Life 03/05/2012 at 1:32 PM

    That seems to be a real hot spot subway, what with Will Shakespeare and his wife in line…

    Our local Subway has passive aggressive “sandwich artists.” They always put too much or too little of something you ask for. They do it on purpose. It makes me want to jump behind the partition and strangle them. Needless to say, I never leave them a tip.

  7. No Blog Intended 03/05/2012 at 4:04 PM

    I’ve been in a Subway only once, but I don’t remember so many questions… But okay, for me the choices are always limited: ‘anything but meat!’. I do feel like eating a sandwich now, though. With extra cheese, please.

  8. Anna 03/05/2012 at 7:33 PM

    Eating Subway sandwiches literally makes my eyes shit blood.

    I have no idea why, though I suspect it has something to do with rabbits and tennis… you know, that whole connection there.

  9. Mel 03/05/2012 at 8:56 PM

    I’ll bet he was gutted there wasn’t a stuffed swan sub of the day – he should have gone on a Tuesday

  10. Mooselicker 03/05/2012 at 9:24 PM

    I used to go to Subway a lot. I love that you, Sir Franny, picked up on how others mispronounce many of the toppings.

    Cucumbers becomes “coocumbers”
    Lettuce becomes “lead-us”
    Tomato becomes “tomahhhto” (fuck the you say tomato, I say tomahhhhto song, it’s tomato)

  11. Pete Howorth 03/05/2012 at 10:18 PM

    You know he got that sauce all over his top! More washing for his misses!

  12. BuddhaKat 03/06/2012 at 2:09 AM

    Brilliant, Sir Michael!!! keep up the good eating!!!
    Perhaps I can help, next time you flush the peasants (er pheasants) out!!
    Jolly good, then.
    Lady janet

  13. Addie 03/06/2012 at 6:41 PM

    Stuffed swan. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! And your blog itself–Michael, you da man.

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