Peeps who interviewed me
Trailer for Underneath
Trailer for Shades of Grey
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Buon giorno! Come in, come in, my friends there are plenty of tables for you and your scummy family. Let me take your coats, and oh, what this? Fake leather jacket from TK Maxxies, how very bourgeois of you. Here, scoff on these bread rolls and shut up-a your face as I fetch you the menu and stare at your slut daughter’s breasts at the same time. I make faces at your ugly wife as she reads out entire menu over and over again and I let out fart near your idiot son’s head. Now sir, pissy wine for you and your fat wife, yes? Vodka for slut daughter of course and a large lemonade for your son of idiots. No sir, we no sell Guinness or Budweiser as we are no gypsy restaurant. We no sell Twiglets or Wotsits either before you ask.
Ah, I see you get confuse with words on menu. Your daughter has iPhone so why not get her to use translate app? You know she only use phone to get text message with photo of boyfriend’s penis. Okay, well ‘anti pasti’ is like a starter course, but we add £3 to price and say it cooked with olive oil. Everything is olive oil including the shampoo I use on head, is nice and shine and sometimes we use to clean toilet if carbonara goes bad and give people stomach bug. Okay so you sir have lasagne, how very imaginative. Slut daughter has fish, wife has lasagne too, and idiot son wants the fried sausages; why he no go McDonalds instead?
We now have your order so me and petite waitress with nice ass go stand outside and have cigarette. We laugh at you and your family and then I tell waitress again that I like her nice ass and that I want to rub olive oil all over her. She give me horn and makes my Tower of Pisa start to lean but the chef is her boyfriend and he is buffoon. Although he look like paedophile and has smell of dog she say she love him. I want to shove that ponytail of his up his own ass until he scream and cry like baby.
What’s this? You only leave £1.50 for tip? You English dogs.