Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Welcome to my Italio pizzario ristorante

Buon giorno! Come in, come in, my friends there are plenty of titalian restaurantables for you and your scummy family. Let me take your coats, and oh, what this? Fake leather jacket from TK Maxxies, how very bourgeois of you. Here, scoff on these bread rolls and shut up-a your face as I fetch you the menu and stare at your slut daughter’s breasts at the same time. I make faces at your ugly wife as she reads out entire menu over and over again and I let out fart near your idiot son’s head. Now sir, pissy wine for you and your fat wife, yes? Vodka for slut daughter of course and a large lemonade for your son of idiots. No sir, we no sell Guinness or Budweiser as we are no gypsy restaurant. We no sell Twiglets or Wotsits either before you ask.

Ah, I see you get confuse with words on menu. Your daughter has iPhone so why not get her to use translate app? You know she only use phone to get text message with photo of boyfriend’s penis. Okay, well ‘anti pasti’ is like a starter course, but we add £3 to price and say it cooked with olive oil. Everything is olive oil including the shampoo I use on head, is nice and shine and sometimes we use to clean toilet if carbonara goes bad and give people stomach bug. Okay so you sir have lasagne, how very imaginative. Slut daughter has fish, wife has lasagne too, and idiot son wants the fried sausages; why he no go McDonalds instead?

We now have your order so me and petite waitress with nice ass go stand outside and have cigarette. We laugh at you and your family and then I tell waitress again that I like her nice ass and that I want to rub olive oil all over her. She give me horn and makes my Tower of Pisa start to lean but the chef is her boyfriend and he is buffoon. Although he look like paedophile and has smell of dog she say she love him. I want to shove that ponytail of his up his own ass until he scream and cry like baby.

What’s this? You only leave £1.50 for tip? You English dogs.

15 responses to “Welcome to my Italio pizzario ristorante

  1. Little Miss 03/02/2012 at 12:40 PM

    I went to Italy last summer. You have it exactly right!

  2. A Gripping Life 03/02/2012 at 2:02 PM

    Lol! “Makes my tower of Pisa start to lean!”
    This is what we all secretly fear and believe to be true. I’m sure similar conversations go on at the nail salon. The Vietnamese women laugh right in your face and then cover by saying something like – “beautiful blouse”, or some such crap, in English.

  3. Lily 03/02/2012 at 5:05 PM

    Hahah this was a good one! I think you have the Italian accent down (in writing, of course). I like his idea that “Everything is olive oil” haha. Makes me want to eat at his ristorante.

  4. No Blog Intended 03/02/2012 at 7:24 PM

    The beginning seriously reminded me of a Italian restaurant in Antwerp… But I never knew what they reall think, until now!

  5. mooselicker 03/02/2012 at 11:47 PM

    Everything is olive oil including the shampoo I use on head, is nice and shine.

    That was the part that finally caved me in from holding in laughter. A Chinese guy looked at me when I did. Thought I’d add a little more description as to what’s going on around me.

    Does this slut daughter have a Myspace I can look at her on?

  6. Sasha 03/05/2012 at 4:43 AM

    Oh my god, hahahaha. This is thoroughly entertaining, which comes as no surprise, of course.

  7. Pete Howorth 03/05/2012 at 10:20 PM

    Should be grateful for the tip, state Italy is in.

  8. motherventing 03/12/2012 at 11:10 AM

    I lived in Italy for a year, and that’s exactly what it’s like.

  9. Pingback: Love All Blogs » the non-profit making, altruistic blog showcasing site » 12-03-12 Love Humour Weekly Showcase

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