Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Power walking champ gets stuck in wardrobe

Champhead sweatband

Three times world champion power walker John Davidson has somehow managed to get himself stuck inside his own bedroom wardrobe. The details surrounding the event are unclear but the 44-year old was last seen at his mother’s dinner table on Friday night after enjoying a slap-up meal consisting of Findus Crispy Pancakes, broccoli, and a gravy of undisclosed flavour. His mother, who was present during the entire meal, said “He finished his dinner as normal and then went upstairs. I had given him one of my pancakes as I wasn’t really hungry. They were the chicken and bacon ones, which are his favourite, and I was still a bit full from the corned beef roll I had for lunch. It made sense to let him have it rather than let good food go to waste.”

The alarm was first raised when his mother realised that he hadn’t come back downstairs after half an hour. “It was raspberry trifle for pudding and there is no way he would normally stay away for that long. I went upstairs to see if was alright when I heard a banging noise coming from his bedroom. It was then that I realised he was stuck inside his wardrobe. He must have taken a wrong turning by accident and I could hear him trying to walk around inside and he sounded delirious.”

Cramp

After an hour or so everything went silent inside the wardrobe and John’s worried mother called the fire brigade. Firefighter chief Andrew Barlow said “I can confirm that we received an emergency call out regarding a 44-year old male who had become trapped inside a bedroom wardrobe. We suspect that his condition is deteriorating due to the strong fumes from the mothballs and we’re are still awaiting a response from IKEA so we can determine their potency.”

The firefighters thought they had made a breakthrough when they managed to unscrew a mirror on the front of the wardrobe, but hopes were dashed when they realised that behind it lay another impenetrable wooden panel.

“He’s been in there for three days now and he still hasn’t had his trifle yet; I’m worried sick, I hate to see homemade food go to waste.”

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25 responses to “Power walking champ gets stuck in wardrobe

  1. .Ally 02/23/2012 at 9:17 AM

    I’ll be honest, I didn’t think I’d ever see the word ‘impenetrable’ used in a description for an Ikea wardrobe!

    • Michael Cargill 02/23/2012 at 9:22 AM

      Very true. Usually they aren’t even strong enough for my pull-up bar.

      By the way your name doesn’t link back to your blog;

      Do Dashboard > Users > Personal Settings. Scroll down to the ‘website’ box and put the full address of your blog in there. Currently it is only linking to your Gravatar.

  2. themiddlestsister 02/23/2012 at 1:16 PM

    I love the description of the meals. Are these real foods? Poor power walking man.

    • Michael Cargill 02/23/2012 at 2:57 PM

      They sure are! Findus Crispy Pancakes seemed very luxurious when I was a kid.

      According to Wikipedia, 450,000 of them were destroyed in a factory fire in 2009.

  3. ahshots 02/23/2012 at 2:19 PM

    My thoughts are with the family during these troubling times…

  4. breezyk 02/23/2012 at 2:56 PM

    haha you are hilarious. I also love the extensive discussion of the dinner menu. Obviously necessary background for what was to come.

  5. Lisa 02/23/2012 at 5:28 PM

    You mention Ikea and I think flimsy allen wrench. With that said, it could be weeks, not days, before John sees sunlight.

    The food descriptions are so very English.
    Very funny!

  6. mooselicker 02/23/2012 at 11:33 PM

    He should have to vacate the Fanny Pack. I’m assuming instead of a championship belt they use a Fanny Pack in Power Walking, no?

  7. Lily 02/24/2012 at 2:48 AM

    If someone is trapped in a wardrobe and doesn’t come out for 3 days, I automatically think = Narina. No other explanation.

  8. breezyk 02/24/2012 at 7:44 PM

    Ps check out my latest post where I tagged you- http://breezyk.wordpress.com

  9. Pete Howorth 02/24/2012 at 11:10 PM

    I once crushed up some moth balls, cut them fine with my credit card then snorted them. I was in a coma for 6 years. So I hope he’s going to be alright.

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